Kuyambira ali mwana, amuna amtsogolo amaphunzitsidwa kuchita manyazi ndi malingaliro a "chifundo". Chotsatira chake n’chakuti, ponse paŵiri akazi ndi amuna eniwo amavutika ndi zimenezi—mwinamwake koposa. Kuchi mutuhasa kupwa ni shindakenyo ngwetu?
Akazi amatengeka mtima kwambiri kuposa amuna ndipo amazolowera kuyankhula zakukhosi kwawo. Komanso, amuna amafalitsa kufunikira kwa chikondi, ubwenzi, chisamaliro ndi chitonthozo kudzera mu chilakolako chogonana. Chikhalidwe cha makolo omwe tikukhalamo chimakakamiza amuna kuti achepetse "chikondi" chawo ndi "kupempha" muubwenzi wakuthupi.
Mwachitsanzo, Ivan amafuna kugonana chifukwa amavutika maganizo ndipo amasangalala akamagona ndi mkazi. Ndipo Mark amalota za kugonana akakhala yekha. Iye amatsimikiza kuti adzasonyeza kufooka ngati atauza ena kuti ali yekhayekha ndipo akufunikira munthu wina pafupi.
Kumbali ina, iye amakhulupirira kuti n’kwachibadwa kufunafuna ubwenzi wapamtima umene ungamuthandize kukhala naye paubwenzi wapamtima.
Koma kodi ndi maganizo otani amene amayambitsa chilakolako cha kugonana? Kodi ndi liti pamene kuli kodzutsa chilakolako cha kugonana, ndipo ndi liti pamene kumafunika chikondi ndi kulankhulana?
Musaganize kuti "kufatsa" maganizo ndi ofooka. Ndiwo amene amatipanga kukhala anthu.
Amuna ambiri amakhulupirirabe kuti «amaloledwa» kufotokoza momasuka ziwiri zofunika maganizo - kugonana ndi mkwiyo. Zambiri "zachifundo" - mantha, chisoni, chikondi - zimayendetsedwa mosamalitsa.
N'zosadabwitsa kuti "mchere" maganizo omwe sapeza chotuluka amamatira ku ngalawa yogonana. Panthawi yogonana, amuna amakumbatirana, kusisita, kupsompsona ndi chikondi pansi pa chithunzi chovomerezeka cha mchitidwe wachimuna kwambiri - chochita pa kugonana.
M'zolemba za The Mask You Live In (2015), wotsogolera Jennifer Siebel akufotokoza nkhani ya momwe anyamata ndi anyamata amavutikira kuti adzisunge ngakhale ali ndi malire amalingaliro aku America okhudza umuna.
Ngati abambo ndi anyamata aphunzira kuwongolera malingaliro awo onse, osati mkwiyo ndi chilakolako chogonana, tiwona kuchepa kwakukulu kwa chiwopsezo cha nkhawa ndi kupsinjika m'magulu onse.
Pamene titsekereza malingaliro ofunikira (chisoni, mantha, mkwiyo) ndi kufunikira kwa ubwenzi (chikondi, ubwenzi, kulakalaka kulankhulana), timakhala okhumudwa. Koma kupsinjika maganizo ndi nkhawa zimachoka tikangolumikizananso ndi malingaliro oyambira.
Chinthu choyamba kuti mukhale ndi thanzi labwino ndikumvetsetsa kuti tonsefe timalakalaka kukhala paubwenzi, pogonana komanso m'maganizo. Ndipo kufunika kwa chikondi kuli “kolimba mtima” monga ludzu la mphamvu ndi kudzizindikira. Musaganize kuti "kufatsa" maganizo ndi ofooka. Ndiwo amene amatipanga kukhala anthu.
Malangizo 5 othandizira mwamuna kutsegula
1. Muuzeni kuti anthu onse, mosasamala kanthu za jenda, amakhala ndi malingaliro ofanana - chisoni, mantha, mkwiyo, kunyansidwa, chisangalalo ndi chilakolako chogonana (inde, akazi nawonso).
2. Muloleni mwamuna yemwe ali wofunikira kwa inu adziwe kuti kufunikira kwa kulumikizana kwamalingaliro komanso kufuna kugawana malingaliro ndi malingaliro sizochilendo kwa aliyense wa ife.
3. Muitaneni kuti akuuzeni zakukhosi kwake ndikugogomezera kuti simumaweruza malingaliro ake kapena kuwawona ngati ofooka.
4. Musaiwale kuti anthu ndi ovuta kwambiri. Tonsefe tili ndi mphamvu ndi zofooka zathu, ndipo m’pofunika kuziganizira.
5. Mulimbikitseni kuti aziwonera kanema wa Mask You Live In.
Wolemba: Hilary Jacobs Hendel ndi psychotherapist, New York Times wolemba nkhani, komanso mlangizi pa Mad Men (2007-2015).