Mumapatsa mnzanu matikiti opita kumalo ochitira zisudzo, ndipo sakhutira ndi mipando muholoyo. Kuthandiza mnzako kulemba nkhani, koma sakonda zitsanzo zomwe mwasankha. Ndipo posakhalitsa mumayamba kudabwa: kodi ndi koyenera kuchitapo kanthu kwa iwo omwe samayankha kuti zikomo? Nanga n’cifukwa ciani anthu amenewa nthawi zonse amakhala akuyang’ana nsomba pa ciliconse cimene amawacitila? Kodi chifukwa cholephera kuyamikira ndi chiyani, kodi izi zikugwirizana bwanji ndi chiyembekezo ndi chimwemwe, ndipo n’zotheka kugonjetsa kusakhutira kwamuyaya?
Osathokoza komanso atsoka
Munakaniza zofuna kuthandiza mnzanu amene anakupemphani kutero. Thandizo silinali lophweka kwa inu, ndipo mumayembekezera kuti mwina muthokoze, kutumiza kalata kapena SMS. Koma ayi, panali chete chete. Mnzanuyo atayankha patapita masiku angapo, sanalembe zimene mumayembekezera.
Munaperekeza mnzako ulendo wopita kwawo tsiku lamvula. Sitikanatha kuyimitsa pakhomo: kunalibe malo. Ndinachita kumusiya mbali ina ya msewu. Atatuluka m’galimotomo, anakuyang’anirani ndi kumenya chitseko. Sananene kuti zikomo, ndipo pamsonkhano wotsatira sanangopereka moni. Ndipo tsopano mwasokonekera: zikuwoneka kuti muyenera kupepesa, koma chifukwa chiyani? Munalakwa chiyani?
Kodi mungafotokoze bwanji mfundo yoti mumadziimba mlandu ngakhale kuti sanayamikireni? Kodi nchifukwa ninji anthu ena amaumirira kwambiri ndi kuika mipiringidzo yapamwamba kotero kuti sitingathe kuwakhutiritsa?
Kusayamika kumakhala mbali ya umunthu, koma ngakhale izi, munthu akhoza kusintha ngati akufuna.
Charlotte Witvliet wa ku Hope College ku Michigan ndi anzawo adapeza kuti anthu ena alibe mwayi wothokoza. Ofufuza amalongosola kukhoza kusonyeza kuyamikira kukhala mkhalidwe wozama wa kucheza ndi anthu umene “umabadwa pozindikira kuti talandira kanthu kena kamtengo wapatali kuchokera kwa munthu amene watichitira zabwino.”
Ngati kuyamikira kuli mkhalidwe wa umunthu, ndiye kuti munthu wosayamika sachitira moyo woyamikira. Monga lamulo, anthu otere amakhala osasangalala nthawi zonse. Kusakhutira kosalekeza sikumawalola kuwona mphatso zomwe moyo ndi ena amabweretsera kwa iwo. Zilibe kanthu ngati ali abwino pantchito yawo, okongola, anzeru, sakhala osangalala kwenikweni.
Monga momwe kafukufuku wa Vitvliet wasonyezera, anthu omwe ali ndi mwayi woyamikira amawona mikangano pakati pa anthu osati ngati zolephera, koma ngati mwayi wakukula kumene amaphunzira. Koma amene nthawi zonse sakhutitsidwa ndi chilichonse amatsimikiza kuti ayang'ane zolakwika m'zochita zilizonse. Ndiye chifukwa chake munthu wosayamika sangayamikire thandizo lanu.
Choopsa chake n’chakuti anthu amene satha kumva kuyamikira amaona ngati mapeto ake paokha kusonyeza ena kuti anawalakwira. Kusayamika kumakhala mbali ya umunthu, koma ngakhale izi, munthu akhoza kusintha ngati akufuna.
Poyamba, ndi bwino kulingalira kuti omwe akuyesera kuthandiza anthu oterowo adzatopa mwadzidzidzi kukhala abwino nthawi zonse. Panthawi ina, amangotopa nazo. Kusayamika kumayambitsa kusayamika kobwerezabwereza, pomwe mu ubale wabwinobwino anthu amathandiza ndikuthokoza omwe amachitanso chimodzimodzi kwa iwo.
Momwe mungaphunzirire kunena "zikomo"
Kodi chimayambitsa makinawa ndi chiyani? Pofunafuna yankho la funsoli, asayansi aphunzira zinthu zomwe zingapangitse munthu kukhala woyamikira. Iwo anayesa njira zosiyanasiyana pamituyi: zonse "kuwerengera chiyamiko ku choikidwiratu", ndi kulemba makalata othokoza, ndi kusunga "diary yothokoza". Zinapezeka kuti ubwino ndi ubwino wa omwe adachita nawo mayeserowo adakula chifukwa chotsatira chitsanzo chabwino chatsopano, chomwe chikugwirizana mwachindunji ndi kumverera koyamikira.
Kodi kukulitsa kuthekera koyamika kungakhudzenso kuthekera…chiyembekezo? Mosiyana ndi kuyamikira, kumene kumagwirizanitsidwa ndi mphotho ya nthaŵi yomweyo, chiyembekezo ndicho “chiyembekezo chabwino cha zotulukapo zokhumbitsidwa zamtsogolo.” Kulephera kumva kuyamikira kosatha kumakhudza osati kutha kuona zabwino zakale, komanso chikhulupiriro chakuti munthu adzalandira mphotho m'tsogolomu. Mwachidule, anthu sayembekezera kuti ena aziwachitira zabwino, choncho amasiya kuyembekezera zabwino.
Mtima woyamikira ukhoza kusonkhezera kuyembekezera zabwino ndi kukhala wosangalala. Atakhazikitsa izi, asayansi adachita maphunziro angapo omwe ophunzirawo adagawidwa m'magulu awiri. Mamembala a gulu loyamba adayenera kufotokoza mwatsatanetsatane zomwe akufuna kukwaniritsa m'tsogolomu, ngakhale kuti sangathe kulamulira njira yokwaniritsira cholingacho. Iwo ankayenera kunena za milandu yakale pamene ankayembekezera chinachake ndipo chinachitika.
Gulu lina linakumbukira ndi kufotokoza mikhalidwe mogwirizana ndi zomwe anakumana nazo. Ndi maphunziro otani omwe adaphunzira, zomwe adachita kuti apeze zomwe adafuna, adakula mwauzimu, adakhala amphamvu. Kenako anafunika kusonyeza amene anayamikira ndiponso kuchitira chiyani.
Mutha kuphunzira kuyamikira, chinthu chachikulu ndikuzindikira ndi kuzindikira vuto. Ndipo yambani kunena zikomo
Zinapezeka kuti kufunitsitsa kumva kuyamikira kunali kokulirapo kwa omwe adafunsidwa kuti alembe za zomwe zidachitika pakuthokoza. Ambiri, kuyesera anasonyeza kuti n'zotheka ndithu kusintha. Anthu amene nthaŵi zonse amapeza zolakwa mwa amene amayesa kuwathandiza angaphunzire kuona zabwino ndi kunena zikomo chifukwa cha zimenezo.
Kuonjezera apo, ofufuzawo adapeza kuti, makamaka, anthu omwe sadziwa kuthokoza, adakumana ndi zovuta paubwana: amayembekeza munthu, koma sanalandire chithandizo ndi chithandizo. Chitsanzo ichi chagwira, ndipo amagwiritsidwa ntchito kuti asayembekezere zabwino kwa wina aliyense.
Kubwerezabwereza kosalekeza kwa chiyanjano "zoyembekezera zoipa - zotsatira zoipa" kumabweretsa mfundo yakuti ngakhale achibale amasiya kuthandiza anthuwa, chifukwa simukufuna kuchita chinachake kwa wina yemwe sangakhale wokondwa kuthandiza, kapena ngakhale kuchita nawo. mkwiyo kapena mwano.
Kukhutira muubwenzi kumadalira momwe anthu amachitirana. Mutha kuphunzira kuyamikira, chinthu chachikulu ndikuzindikira ndi kuzindikira vuto. Ndipo yambani kunena zikomo.
Za Katswiri: Susan Kraus Witborn ndi psychotherapist komanso wolemba In Search of Satisfaction.