Kodi mwaona kuti nthawi zambiri mumatembenuza maso anu ndipo mumanyoza kwambiri polankhulana ndi mnzanu? Zizindikiro zooneka ngati zachipongwe zimenezi zilibe vuto lililonse. Kusalemekeza mnzako ndiko chizindikiro chachikulu cha chisudzulo.
Manja athu nthawi zina amakhala omveka bwino kuposa mawu ndipo amawonetsa malingaliro enieni kwa munthu motsutsana ndi chifuniro chathu. Kwa zaka 40 tsopano, katswiri wa zamaganizo a banja John Gottman, pulofesa wa zamaganizo pa yunivesite ya Washington (Seattle), ndi anzake akhala akuphunzira za ubale wa anthu okwatirana. Mwa njira imene okwatirana amalankhulirana wina ndi mnzake, asayansi aphunzira kulosera utali wa ukwati wawo. Za zizindikiro zinayi zazikulu za chisudzulo chomwe chikubwera, chomwe John Gottman adachitcha "Okwera pamahatchi Anayi a Apocalypse", tidawauza apa.
Zizindikirozi zimaphatikizapo kudzudzula kosalekeza, kuchoka kwa mnzanu, ndi chitetezo chokhwima kwambiri, koma sizowopsa monga mawu onyalanyaza, zizindikiro zosalankhula zomwe zimasonyeza kuti mmodzi wa okondedwawo amaganizira wina pansi pake. Kunyoza, kutukwana, kuyang'ana maso, kunyoza ... Ndiko kuti, chirichonse chomwe chimakhudza kudzidalira kwa mnzanuyo. Malinga ndi John Gottman, ili ndilo vuto lalikulu kwambiri mwa onse anayi.
Kodi mungaphunzire bwanji kuletsa kunyalanyaza ndi kupewa kusudzulana? Malangizo asanu ndi awiri ochokera kwa akatswiri athu.
1. Zindikirani kuti zonse zikukhudza kufotokozera zambiri
Vuto si zimene mukunena, koma mmene mumachitira. Wokondedwa wanu amazindikira kunyozedwa kwanu mwa kuseka, kutukwana, kunyoza, kutembenuza maso ndi kuusa moyo. Khalidwe loterolo limawononga maubwenzi, limafooketsa kukhulupirirana, ndipo limachititsa kuti ukwatiwo uwonongeke. Cholinga chanu ndikumveka, sichoncho? Choncho muyenera kufotokoza uthenga wanu m’njira yoti anthu amve, osati kukulitsa mkangano.” - Christine Wilke, wothandizira mabanja ku Easton, Pennsylvania.
2. Chotsani mawu akuti "sindisamala!" kuchokera m'mawu anu
Mukamalankhula mawu otere, ndiye kuti mukuuza mnzanuyo kuti simungamumvere. Amamvetsa kuti chilichonse chimene amalankhula sichikukhudzani. Kwenikweni, ndicho chinthu chomaliza chomwe tikufuna kumva kuchokera kwa okondedwa, sichoncho? Kusonyeza kusayanjanitsika (ngakhale mosalunjika, pamene kunyoza kumawonekera kokha m’maonekedwe a nkhope ndi manja) mwamsanga kumathetsa ubwenziwo. - Aaron Anderson, wothandizira mabanja ku Denver, Colorado.
3. Pewani mawu achipongwe ndi nthabwala zoipa
Pewani kunyozedwa ndi ndemanga mu mzimu wakuti “momwe ndimakumvetsetsani!” kapena "o, izo zinali zoseketsa kwambiri," anatero mokweza. Chepetsani mnzanuyo ndi nthabwala zokhumudwitsa za iye, kuphatikizapo za jenda lake (“Ndinganene kuti ndinu mnyamata”). - LeMel Firestone-Palerm, Wothandizira Banja.
Mukamanena kuti mnzanuyo akukokomeza kapena kuchita mopambanitsa, zikutanthauza kuti maganizo awo sali ofunika kwa inu.
4. Osakhala m'mbuyo
“Okwatirana ambiri amayamba kusalemekezana akamaunjikirana zinthu zing’onozing’ono. Kuti mupewe kunyalanyazana, muyenera kukhala pano nthawi zonse ndikugawana malingaliro anu ndi mnzanuyo. Kodi simukukhutira ndi china chake? Nenani mwachindunji. Komanso vomerezani zonena zomwe mnzanuyo amakuuzani - ndiye kuti mkangano wotsatira mwina simungakhale wotsimikiza kuti mukulondola. - Judith ndi Bob Wright, olemba a The Heart of the Fight: A Couple's Guide to 15 Common Fights, Zomwe Amatanthawuza Kwenikweni, ndi Momwe Angakubweretsereni Pamodzi Nkhondo Zofanana, Zomwe Akutanthauza, ndi Momwe Angakufikitseni Pafupi, New Harbinger Publications, 2016).
5. Penyani khalidwe lanu
“Mwaona kuti nthawi zambiri mumagwedeza kapena kuseka pamene mukumvetsera mnzanu, ichi ndi chizindikiro chakuti m’banja muli mavuto. Pezani mwayi wopuma kwa wina ndi mzake, makamaka ngati zinthu zikuwotcha, kapena yesani kuganizira zinthu zabwino za moyo wanu, zomwe mumakonda kwambiri mnzanuyo. -Chelli Pumphrey, katswiri wa zamaganizo ku Denver, Colorado.
6. Musamauze mnzanuyo kuti: "Ukukokomeza."
“Mukanena kuti wokondedwa wanu akukokomeza kapena kuchita zinthu mopambanitsa, ndiye kuti maganizo akewo sali ofunika kwa inu. M'malo momuletsa ndi mawu akuti "mumatengera kwambiri mtima", mvetserani maganizo ake. Yesetsani kumvetsetsa zomwe zimayambitsa kutengeka kotereku, chifukwa malingaliro samatuluka monga choncho. — Aaron Anderson.
7. Kodi mwadzipeza nokha kukhala wopanda ulemu? Pumulani ndikupuma kwambiri
“Dziikireni ntchito yofufuza kuti kunyozedwa ndi chiyani, komwe kuli. Kenako ganizirani momwe zimawonekera mu ubale wanu. Mukafuna kuchita kapena kunena chinthu chochititsa manyazi, pumirani mozama ndipo modekha nenani kuti, “Imani.” Kapena pezani njira ina yoyimitsira. Kusonyeza kupanda ulemu ndi chizolowezi choipa, monga kusuta kapena kuluma zikhadabo. Yesetsani kuchitapo kanthu ndipo mukhoza kuigonjetsa. " - Bonnie Ray Kennan, psychotherapist ku Torrance, California.