Kumbuyo kwa mafotokozedwe omwe timapereka tokha, nthawi zina pamakhala zifukwa zina ndi zolinga zomwe zimakhala zovuta kudziwa. Ma psychoanalyst awiri, mwamuna ndi mkazi, akukambirana za kusungulumwa kwa akazi.
Amateteza ufulu wawo wodzilamulira kapena kudandaula kuti sakukumana ndi aliyense. Kodi kwenikweni chimachititsa akazi osakwatiwa ndi chiyani? Kodi zifukwa zosanenedwa za kusungulumwa kwautali ndi ziti? Pakhoza kukhala mtunda waukulu ngakhale mkangano pakati pa zolengeza ndi zolinga zakuya. Kodi “osungulumwa” ali ndi ufulu wotani pa zosankha zawo? Psychoanalysts amagawana malingaliro awo pazovuta za psychology ya akazi.
Carolyn Eliacheff: Zolankhula zathu nthawi zambiri sizigwirizana ndi zilakolako zathu zenizeni chifukwa zilakolako zambiri sizimadziwa. Ndipo mosiyana ndi zimene akazi ambiri amatsutsa mwamphamvu, amene ndimalankhula nawo amavomereza kuti angakonde kukhala ndi mnzawo ndi kukhala ndi ana. Akazi amakono, monga amuna, mwa njira, amalankhula za okwatirana ndipo akuyembekeza kuti tsiku lina wina adzawonekera yemwe adzapeza chinenero chofala.
Alain Waltier: Ndikuvomereza! Anthu amakonza moyo wosungulumwa chifukwa chosowa moyo wabwino. Mkazi akasiya mwamuna, amatero chifukwa saona njira ina. Koma sayembekezera kuti adzakhala yekha. Amasankha kuchoka, ndipo zotsatira zake zimakhala kusungulumwa.
KE: Komabe amayi ena amene amabwera kwa ine ndi chikhumbo chofuna kupeza bwenzi amapeza mu njira ya mankhwala kuti iwo ali oyenerera kukhala okha. Masiku ano n’kosavuta kuti mkazi akhale yekha chifukwa amasangalala ndi mmene zinthu zilili pa moyo wake. Pamene mkazi ali ndi ufulu wodziimira, amalamulira kwambiri komanso zimakhala zovuta kuti apange ubale ndi bwenzi lake, chifukwa izi zimafuna kumasula mphamvu. Muyenera kuphunzira kutaya kanthu kena, osadziŵa n’komwe zimene mudzapindule nazo. Ndipo kwa akazi amakono, gwero la chisangalalo ndi kulamulira, osati kuvomerezana kofunikira kuti mukhale ndi munthu. Iwo anali ndi mphamvu zochepa kwambiri pa zaka mazana apitawo!
NDI MU: Ndithudi. Koma m’chenicheni, iwo amasonkhezeredwa ndi chichirikizo cha mkhalidwe waumwini m’chitaganya ndi kulengeza za kudzilamulira monga phindu lofunikira. Anthu osungulumwa ndi mphamvu yaikulu yazachuma. Amalembetsa ku magulu olimbitsa thupi, kugula mabuku, kupita panyanja, kupita ku kanema. Choncho, anthu ali ndi chidwi chopanga osakwatiwa. Koma kusungulumwa kumakhala ndi chidziwitso, koma chizindikiro chodziwika bwino cha kugwirizana kwakukulu ndi banja la abambo ndi amayi. Ndipo kulumikizana mosazindikira kumeneku nthawi zina sikumatisiyira ufulu wodziwa munthu kapena kukhala naye pafupi. Kuti mudziwe momwe mungakhalire ndi mnzanu, muyenera kupita ku chinthu chatsopano, ndiko kuti, yesetsani ndikusiya banja lanu.
KE: Inde, ndi bwino kuganizira mmene maganizo a mayi kwa mwana wake wamkazi amakhudzira khalidwe la womalizayo m’tsogolo. Ngati mayi alowa muubwenzi womwe ndimautcha kuti chibwenzi cha platonic ndi mwana wake wamkazi, ndiye kuti, ubale womwe umapatula munthu wachitatu (ndipo bambo amakhala woyamba kuchotsedwa), ndiye kuti zidzakhala zovuta kuti mwana wamkazi adziwitse aliyense. moyo wake - mwamuna kapena mwana. Amayi oterowo samapatsira mwana wawo wamkazi mwayi womanga banja kapena luso la kukhala mayi.
Zaka 30 zapitazo, makasitomala anabwera kwa ochiritsa chifukwa sanapeze aliyense. Lero abwera kudzayesa kusunga ubale
NDI MU: Ndikukumbukira wodwala amene, ali mwana, anauzidwa ndi amayi ake kuti, "Ndiwe mwana weniweni wa atate wako!" Monga adazindikira panthawi ya psychoanalysis, ichi chinali chitonzo, chifukwa kubadwa kwake kunakakamiza amayi ake kukhala ndi mwamuna wosakondedwa. Anazindikiranso kuti mawu a mayi akewo anamuthandiza kukhala wosungulumwa. Anzake onse anapeza mabwenzi, ndipo iye anatsala yekha. Kumbali inayi, amayi amatha kudabwa kuti ndi ulendo wanji uwu - maubwenzi amakono. Mkazi akachoka, zibwenzi zimakhala ndi tsogolo losiyana. Apa ndipamene chikhalidwe cha anthu chimayamba kugwira ntchito: anthu amalekerera amuna, ndipo amuna amayamba maubwenzi atsopano mofulumira kwambiri.
KE: Kukomoka kumathandizanso. Ndinaona kuti pamene chibwenzi chinatha zaka zambiri kenako mkazi n’kumwalira, mwamuna amayamba chibwenzi chatsopano miyezi sikisi yotsatira. Achibale amakwiya: samamvetsa kuti mwanjira imeneyi amapereka msonkho kwa ubale umene anali nawo kale ndipo unali wokondweretsa kuti iye akhale ndi chilakolako chofuna kuyambitsa zatsopano. Mwamuna ndi wokhulupirika ku lingaliro la banja, pamene mkazi ndi wokhulupirika kwa mwamuna amene anakhala naye.
NDI MU: Akazi akadali kuyembekezera kalonga wokongola, pamene amuna nthawi zonse mkazi wakhala sing'anga wosinthanitsa. Kwa iye ndi kwa iye, thupi ndi maganizo zimagwira ntchito yosiyana. Mwamuna amafunafuna mtundu wa mkazi wabwino ndi zizindikiro zakunja, popeza kukopa kwa amuna kumalimbikitsidwa makamaka ndi maonekedwe. Kodi izi sizikutanthauza kuti kwa amuna, akazi nthawi zambiri amasinthasintha?
KE: Zaka 30 zapitazo, makasitomala adabwera kwa sing'anga chifukwa samapeza munthu woti azikhala naye. Lero abwera kudzayesa kusunga ubale. Awiriawiri amapangidwa m'kuphethira kwa diso, choncho n'zomveka kuti gawo lalikulu la iwo limasweka mwamsanga. Funso lenileni ndi momwe mungatalikitsire ubale. Ali unyamata, mtsikanayo amasiya makolo ake, akuyamba kukhala yekha, kuphunzira ndipo, ngati akufuna, amapanga okondana. Kenako amamanga maubwenzi, kukhala ndi mwana kapena aŵiri, mwina osudzulana, ndipo amakhala wosakwatiwa kwa zaka zingapo. Kenako amakwatiwanso n’kumanga banja latsopano. Kenako akhoza kukhala mkazi wamasiye, ndiyeno n’kukhalanso yekha. Umo ndi moyo wa mkazi tsopano. Akazi osakwatiwa kulibe. Makamaka amuna osakwatiwa. Kukhala moyo wonse nokha, popanda kuyesa kamodzi paubwenzi, ndi chinthu chapadera. Ndipo mitu yankhani ya m’nyuzipepala yakuti “Okongola azaka 30 zakubadwa, achichepere, anzeru ndi osakwatiwa” imatchula awo amene sanayambitse banja, koma adzachita zimenezo, ngakhale mochedwa kuposa amayi ndi agogo awo.
NDI MU: Masiku ano palinso amayi omwe akudandaula kuti amuna atsala. Ndipotu nthawi zonse amayembekezera kwa mnzawo zimene sangakwanitse. Akuyembekezera chikondi! Ndipo sindikutsimikiza kuti ndizomwe timapeza m'banjamo. Pambuyo pazaka zambiri ndikuzichita, sindikudziwabe kuti chikondi ndi chiyani, chifukwa timati "kukonda masewera achisanu", "kondani nsapato izi" ndi "kondani munthu" mofanana! Banja limatanthauza kugwirizana. Ndipo m'malumikizano awa mulibe zaukali kuposa chifundo. Banja lirilonse limadutsa mumkhalidwe wa nkhondo yozizira ndipo liyenera kuyesetsa kwambiri kuti lithetse mgwirizano. Ndikofunikira kuti mupewe zongoyerekeza, ndiye kuti, kutengera mnzanu zomwe mumamva nazo mosadziwa. Chifukwa sikuli kutali ndikuwonetsa malingaliro mpaka kuponya zinthu zenizeni. Kukhalira pamodzi kumafuna kuphunzira kuchotseratu chikondi ndi chiwawa. Tikazindikira malingaliro athu ndikutha kuvomereza kuti mnzathu amatichititsa mantha, sitingasinthe kukhala chifukwa cha kusudzulana. Azimayi omwe ali ndi maubwenzi osokonekera komanso kusudzulana kowawa kumbuyo kwawo amakumana ndi zowawa pasadakhale, zomwe zitha kuukitsidwa, ndikuti: "Sipadzakhalanso."
Mosasamala kanthu kuti tikukhala ndi winawake kapena tokha, m’pofunika kukhala tokha. Ndi zomwe akazi ena sangapirire
KE: N'zotheka kukana zomwe tikuyembekezera pokhapokha ngati titha kukhala tokha pamlingo winawake mu maubwenzi athu. Mosasamala kanthu kuti tikukhala ndi winawake kapena tokha, m’pofunika kukhala tokha. Izi ndi zomwe akazi ena sangathe kupirira; kwa iwo, banja limatanthauza kugwirizana kotheratu. “Kudzimva wekha pamene umakhala ndi munthu sikuli koipitsitsa,” iwo amatero ndikusankha kusungulumwa kotheratu. Kaŵirikaŵiri, amapezanso lingaliro lakuti mwa kuyambitsa banja, amataya zochuluka kuposa amuna. Mosazindikira, mkazi aliyense amanyamula zakale za amayi onse, makamaka amayi ake, ndipo nthawi yomweyo amakhala moyo wake pano ndi pano. M'malo mwake, ndikofunikira kuti amuna ndi akazi azidzifunsa zomwe mukufuna. Izi ndi zosankha zomwe timayenera kupanga nthawi zonse: kukhala ndi mwana kapena ayi? Kukhala wosakwatiwa kapena kukhala ndi wina? Kukhala ndi bwenzi lako kapena kumusiya?
NDI MU: N’kutheka kuti tikukhala m’nthawi imene kuthetsa chibwenzi n’kosavuta kuganiza kuposa kumanga ubale. Kuti mupange banja, muyenera kukhala nokha komanso nthawi yomweyo pamodzi. Sosaite imatipangitsa kuganiza kuti kusowa kosatha kwa chinthu chobadwa mumtundu wa anthu kumatha, kuti titha kupeza chikhutiro chonse. Ndiye bwanji kuvomereza lingaliro lakuti moyo wonse umamangidwa nokha ndipo panthawi imodzimodziyo kukumana ndi munthu ngati inu nokha kungakhale koyenera kuyesetsa, popeza izi ndizochitika zabwino kuphunzira kukhala pamodzi ndi munthu wina yemwe ali ndi makhalidwe ake? Kumanga maubale ndi kudzimanga tokha ndi chinthu chimodzi: ndi mu ubale wapamtima ndi wina kuti chinachake chimalengedwa ndikulemekezedwa mwa ife.
KE: Malingana ngati tapeza mnzako woyenera! Azimayi, omwe banja lawo lidzakhala ukapolo, alandira mipata yatsopano ndikuigwiritsa ntchito. Nthawi zambiri awa ndi amayi omwe ali ndi mphatso omwe angakwanitse kudzipereka okha kuti akwaniritse bwino anthu. Amakhazikitsa mawu ndikulola ena omwe alibe mphatso kuti athamangire kuphwanya, ngakhale sapeza zabwino zotere pamenepo. Koma pamapeto pake, kodi timasankha kukhala tokha kapena ndi munthu wina? Ndikuganiza kuti funso lenileni la amuna ndi akazi amasiku ano ndiloti adziwe zomwe angachite okha mumkhalidwe umene ali nawo.