Kuyambira paubwana, timaphunzitsidwa kuti tiyenera kupempha chikhululukiro cha khalidwe loipa, wanzeru amalapa kaye, ndipo kuulula kowona mtima kumachepetsa liwongo. Pulofesa wa zamaganizo Leon Seltzer amatsutsa zikhulupiriro zimenezi ndipo akuchenjeza kuti musanapepese, ganizirani zotsatira zake.
Kukhoza kupempha chikhululukiro cha ntchito zosayenera kumatengedwa kukhala ukoma kuyambira kalekale. Ndipotu zimene zili m’mabuku onse okhudza nkhaniyi zikusonyeza mmene kupepesa kulili kothandiza komanso mmene tingachitire moona mtima.
Komabe, posachedwapa, olemba ena akhala akunena za kuipa kwa kupepesa. Musanavomereze kulakwa kwanu, muyenera kuganizira momwe izi zingachitikire - kwa ife, anzathu kapena maubale omwe timawakonda.
Ponena za udindo wolakwa pa mgwirizano wamalonda, wolemba nkhani zamalonda Kim Durant ananena kuti kupepesa kolembedwa kumasonyeza kuti kampani ndi yowona mtima, yakhalidwe labwino komanso yabwino, ndipo nthawi zambiri imasonyeza mfundo zake. Katswiri wa zamaganizo Harriet Lerner ananena kuti mawu akuti “Pepani” ali ndi mphamvu zochiritsa. Amene amawatchula amapereka mphatso yamtengo wapatali osati kwa munthu amene wamulakwira, komanso kwa iye mwini. Kulapa koona mtima kumawonjezera ulemu waumwini ndipo kumalankhula za kuthekera kopenda zochita zawo, akutsindika.
Poganizira zonsezi, zonse zomwe zanenedwa pansipa zidzamveka zosamveka, ndipo mwinanso zonyoza. Komabe, kukhulupirira mopanda malire kuti kupepesa kumakhala kopindulitsa kwa aliyense ndi kulakwitsa kwakukulu. Kwenikweni sichoncho.
Pali zitsanzo zambiri pamene kuvomereza kulakwa kunawononga mbiri
Dziko likadakhala langwiro, sipakanakhala ngozi yopepesa. Ndipo sipakanakhalanso kufunika kwa iwonso, chifukwa aliyense akanachita mwadala, mwanzeru ndiponso mwachifundo. Palibe amene akanakonza zinthu, ndipo sipakanakhala chifukwa chochotsera liwongo. Koma tikukhala m’chowonadi mmene kupepesa chabe sikumatanthauza kuti kufunitsitsa kutenga thayo la zolakwa zake kudzatsimikizira chotulukapo cha chipambano cha mkhalidwewo.
Mwachitsanzo, pamene mulapa mowona mtima, kuyesa kufotokoza mmene munachitira mwamwano kapena mwadyera, kuti simunafune kukhumudwitsa kapena kukwiyitsa aliyense, musayembekezere kukhululukidwa mwamsanga. Mwina munthuyo sanakonzekerebe zimenezi. Monga momwe olemba ambiri aonera, zimatenga nthawi kuti munthu amene wakhumudwa aganizirenso za vutolo n’kuyamba kukhululuka.
Tisaiwale za anthu amene amasiyanitsidwa ndi zowawa rancor ndi kubwezera. Nthawi yomweyo amaona kuti munthu amene wavomereza kuti walakwa amakhala wosatetezeka, ndipo n’zovuta kukana mayesero oterowo. Mwayi angagwiritse ntchito zomwe mukunena motsutsana nanu.
Popeza amaganiza mozama kuti ali ndi “carte blanche” kuti abweze mokwanira, amabwezera mosakayikira, mosasamala kanthu za momwe mawu kapena zochita za wina zinawapwetekera. Komanso, ngati chisoni chasonyezedwa mwa kulemba, ndi mafotokozedwe achindunji a chifukwa chimene munaona kuti n’koyenera kukonzanso, ali ndi umboni wosatsutsika m’manja mwawo umene ungakhale wotsutsana nanu. Mwachitsanzo, kugawana ndi anzanu onse ndipo motero kunyozetsa dzina lanu labwino.
Chodabwitsa n’chakuti, pali zitsanzo zambiri m’mbiri pamene kuvomereza kulakwa kunawononga mbiri. N'zomvetsa chisoni, kapenanso zomvetsa chisoni, kuti kuona mtima kopambanitsa ndi kupanda nzeru kwawononga makhalidwe abwino kwambiri.
Ganizirani mawu odziwika komanso osuliza kwambiri: "Palibe chabwino chomwe sichingalangidwe." Tikamachitira chifundo anzathu, n’zovuta kuganiza kuti mnzathu sangabwererenso kwa ife.
Komabe, aliyense adzatha kukumbukira momwe, mosasamala kanthu za mantha ndi kukayikira, iye anatenga udindo wa zolakwa, koma anathamangira mu mkwiyo ndi kusamvetsetsana.
Kodi munayamba mwaululapo khalidwe linalake loipa, koma munthu winayo (mwachitsanzo, mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu) sanayamikire zimene munachita ndipo anangowonjezerapo nkhuni pamoto ndipo anayesa kuvulaza kwambiri? Kodi zidachitikapo kuti poyankha inu adawunjikana matalala a chipongwe ndikulemba "zonyansa" zanu zonse? Mwinamwake chipiriro chanu chikhoza kusiyidwa, koma mosakayikira nthaŵi ina munayamba kudziikira kumbuyo. Kapena - kuti muchepetse kukakamizidwa ndikuletsa kuukirako - adawukira poyankha. Sikovuta kuganiza kuti chilichonse mwa izi chinangowonjezera vuto lomwe munkafuna kuthetsa.
Apa, chiwongola dzanja china chosokonekera chikupempha: "kusadziwa ndikwabwino." Kupepesa kwa amene amakuona ngati kufooka ndiko kudzivulaza. Mwa kuyankhula kwina, kuulula mosasamala ndi chiopsezo chonyengerera komanso ngakhale kudziimba mlandu. Ambiri anadandaula kwambiri kuti analapa n’kuika moyo wawo pachiswe.
Nthaŵi zina timapepesa osati chifukwa chakuti tinalakwa, koma chifukwa chofuna kusunga mtendere. Komabe, mphindi yotsatira pangakhale chifukwa chokulirapo choumirira pawekha ndi kukana mwamphamvu mdani.
Kupepesa n’kofunika, koma n’kofunikanso kuchita zimenezi mosasankha.
Kupatula apo, popeza tanena kuti ndife olakwa, sikuli kothandiza kukana mawu athu ndikutsimikizira zosiyana. Pambuyo pake, ndiye kuti tikhoza kutsutsidwa mosavuta chifukwa cha mabodza ndi chinyengo. Zimakhala kuti tikuwononga mbiri yathu mosadziwa. Kuzitaya n’kosavuta, koma kuzibwezera n’kovuta kwambiri.
Mmodzi wa otengamo mbali m’kukambitsirana kwapa intaneti kokhudza mutu umenewu anapereka lingaliro lokondweretsa, ngakhale kuti linali lokangana: “Kuvomereza kuti umadzimva kukhala wolakwa, umasonyeza kufooka kwamalingaliro ako, kuti anthu opanda khalidwe amakugwiritsira ntchito kukuvulaza, ndipo m’njira yoti sudzatero. okhoza kutsutsa, chifukwa kuti inu eni mumakhulupirira kuti mwapeza zomwe munayenera. Zomwe zimatibweretsanso ku mawu akuti "palibe chabwino chomwe sichingalangidwe."
Kupepesa nthawi zonse kumabweretsa zotsatira zina zoyipa:
- Zimawononga kudzidalira: zimachotsa chikhulupiriro pamakhalidwe abwino, ulemu ndi kuwolowa manja kowona ndikukupangitsani kukayikira luso lanu.
- Anthu ozungulira iwo amasiya kulemekeza amene amapempha chikhululukiro nthawi iliyonse: kuchokera kunja kumamveka ngati kusokoneza, kumvera chisoni, kunyengerera ndipo pamapeto pake kumayamba kukwiyitsa, monga kudandaula kosalekeza.
Mwina pali mfundo ziwiri zomwe ziyenera kuganiziridwa apa. Inde, ndikofunikira kupepesa - pazifukwa zamakhalidwe komanso zothandiza. Koma n’kofunikanso kuchita zimenezi mosankha komanso mwanzeru. "Ndikhululukireni" sikumachiritsa kokha, komanso mawu owopsa kwambiri.
Za Katswiri: Leon Seltzer, katswiri wa zamaganizo, pulofesa pa yunivesite ya Cleveland, wolemba Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy ndi The Melville ndi Conrad Concepts.