"Masochism yabwino imalimbitsa ubale"

Katswiri wa psychoanalyst wa ku France Eric Smadja akubwera ku Moscow kudzapereka buku lake lachi Russia pa maanja amakono ndikuchita semina ya masiku awiri monga gawo la pulogalamu ya master mu psychoanalytic psychotherapy ku National Research University Higher School of Economics.

Tinamufunsa zomwe akuganiza za mgwirizano wachikondi lerolino.

Psychology: Kodi chikhalidwe chamakono chamunthu payekha chimakhudza lingaliro la mtundu wa banja lomwe tikufuna kumanga?

Eric Smadja: Chikhalidwe chathu chimadziwika ndi anthu omwe akuchulukirachulukira. Mabanja amakono ndi osakhazikika, osalimba, osiyana komanso osowa mu maubwenzi. Ili ndi lingaliro langa la banja lamakono. Zinthu zinayizi zimasonyeza mphamvu ya munthu payekha pakupanga banja. Masiku ano, chimodzi mwa mikangano yaikulu mu banja lirilonse ndi kutsutsa zofuna za narcissistic ndi zofuna za mnzanuyo ndi banja lonse.

Ndipo pano tikuyang’anizana ndi chododometsa: Kukonda munthu payekha kumalamulira m’chitaganya chamakono, ndipo moyo wa okwatirana umatikakamiza kusiya zina mwazofunikira zathu zaumwini kuti tigawane moyo wabanja ndi kuupanga kukhala wofunika kwambiri. Anthu athu ndi odabwitsa, amatipatsa malingaliro odabwitsa. Kumbali imodzi, imalimbikitsa kukula kwaumwini, koma kumbali ina, imapangitsa kuti anthu onse azikhala ndi makhalidwe ofanana: tonsefe tiyenera kudya chinthu chomwecho, kuchita chimodzimodzi, kuganiza mofanana ...

Zingawoneke kuti tili ndi ufulu woganiza, koma ngati tiganiza mosiyana ndi ena, amayang'ana pa ife, ndipo nthawi zina amatiwona ngati otayidwa. Mukapita kumsika waukulu uliwonse, mumawona mtundu womwewo pamenepo. Kaya ndinu Russian, Argentinian, American kapena French, mukugula zomwezo.

Ndi chiyani chomwe chimakhala chovuta kwambiri m'moyo pamodzi?

Palibe zovuta kwambiri, pali zovuta zingapo zomwe zidzakhalepo nthawi zonse. Kukhala "ndi inu nokha" kuli kovuta kale, kukhala ndi munthu wina kumakhala kovuta kwambiri, ngakhale mutagwirizanitsidwa ndi chikondi chachikulu. Tikamachita zinthu ndi munthu wina zimakhala zovuta kwa ife chifukwa iye ndi wosiyana. Tikuchita ndi ena, osati mnzathu wankhanza.

Banja lililonse limakumana ndi mikangano. Mkangano woyamba - pakati pa kudziwika ndi zina, pakati pa "Ine" ndi "zina". Ngakhale kuti m’maganizo timadziwa kusiyana kwathu, m’maganizo n’kovuta kuvomereza kuti winayo ndi wosiyana ndi ife. Apa ndipamene mphamvu yathu yonse ya narcissism, mphamvu zonse ndi ulamuliro wankhanza, imabwera. Mkangano wachiwiri imadziwonetsera yokha pakufuna kulinganiza pakati pa zofuna za narcissistic ndi zofuna za chinthu, pakati pa zofuna zanga ndi za wina.

Kupambana kwachitatu: chiŵerengero cha mwamuna ndi mkazi mwa aliyense wa okondedwa, kuyambira kugonana ndi kutha ndi maudindo jenda m'banja ndi m'gulu. Pomaliza, mkangano wachinayi - chiŵerengero cha chikondi ndi chidani, Eros ndi Thanatos, zomwe zimakhalapo nthawi zonse mu ubale wathu.

Gwero lina la chisokonezo - kusamutsa. Aliyense wa okondedwa kwa winayo ndi chiwerengero cha kusamutsidwa kwa abale, alongo, amayi, abambo. Chifukwa chake, muubwenzi ndi mnzathu, timaseweranso zochitika zosiyanasiyana kuchokera kumalingaliro athu kapena kuyambira ubwana. Nthawi zina wothandizana naye angasinthe m'malo mwathu chithunzi cha abambo, nthawi zina mbale. Ziwerengero zakusamutsa izi, zophatikizidwa ndi bwenzi, zimakhala zovuta muubwenzi.

Pomaliza, monga munthu aliyense, okwatirana amakumana ndi zovuta m'moyo wawo. Izi ndizosapeweka, chifukwa banja ndi chamoyo chomwe chimasintha, chimasintha, chimadutsa muubwana wake komanso kukhwima kwake.

Kodi mavuto amachitika liti m'banja?

Nthawi yoyamba yowawa ndi msonkhano. Ngakhale tikuyang'ana msonkhano uno ndikufuna kupanga banja, ndizovuta kwambiri. Kale kwa munthu mmodzi iyi ndi nthawi yovuta, ndipo zimakhala choncho kwa okwatirana, chifukwa iyi ndi nthawi yobadwa kwa okwatirana. Ndiye timayamba kukhala limodzi, kuwirikiza katatu moyo wathu wamba, kuzolowerana wina ndi mzake. Nthawi imeneyi imatha ndi ukwati kapena njira ina yokhazikitsira ubale.

Nthawi yachitatu yovuta ndi chikhumbo kapena kusafuna kukhala ndi mwana, ndiyeno kubadwa kwa mwana, kusintha kwa awiri mpaka atatu. Izi ndizovuta kwambiri kwa makolo onse komanso kwa banjali. Ngakhale mutafuna mwana, akadali mlendo, wolowa m'moyo wanu, muchitetezo cha banja lanu. Mabanja ena amachitirana bwino kwambiri moti amaopa kuoneka kwa mwana ndipo sakufuna. Nthawi zambiri, nkhaniyi yokhudzana ndi kuukira ndi yosangalatsa kwambiri chifukwa mwanayo amakhala wakunja nthawi zonse. Kufikira pamene m’mikhalidwe yamwambo samatengedwa kukhala munthu nkomwe, ayenera “kuchitidwa umunthu” mwa miyambo kuti akhale mbali ya anthu kuti avomerezedwe.

Ndikunena zonsezi kuti kubadwa kwa mwana ndi gwero lachisokonezo cha maganizo kwa aliyense wa okondedwa komanso m'maganizo a okwatirana. The mavuto awiri otsatirawa ndi woyamba unyamata wa mwanayo, ndiyeno kuchoka kwa ana ku nyumba ya makolo, chopanda chisa syndrome, ndi ukalamba abwenzi, kupuma pantchito, pamene iwo adzipeza okha ndi mzake, popanda ana ndi popanda ntchito, kukhala. agogo…

Moyo wabanja umadutsa m’mikhalidwe yovuta kwambiri imene imatisintha ndipo pamene timakula, timakhala anzeru. Aliyense wa okondedwa ayenera kuphunzira kupirira zovuta, mantha, kusakhutira, mikangano. Ndikofunikira kugwiritsa ntchito luso la aliyense kuti apindule ndi banjali. Pa mkangano, m'pofunika kuti aliyense wa okondedwa adziwe ntchito yake «zabwino masochism».

Kodi masochism wabwino ndi chiyani? Ndiko kugwiritsa ntchito luso lathu lopirira zokhumudwitsa, kupirira zovuta, kuchedwetsa zosangalatsa, kudikira. Munthawi ya mikangano yoopsa, kuti tisapatuke ndikupulumuka mayesowa, timafunikira kupirira, ndipo izi ndi zabwino masochism.

Kodi zimakhala bwanji kwa anthu amene sakufuna kapena kukhala ndi mwana? Kodi ndizosavuta kuvomereza panopo kuposa kale?

Mosiyana ndi chikhalidwe cha anthu, okwatirana amakono amatsatira mitundu yosiyanasiyana ya moyo waukwati, kugonana. Banja lamakono limazindikira ufulu wopanda mwana. Gululi limavomereza mabanja opanda ana, komanso amayi osakwatiwa omwe ali ndi mwana ndi amuna omwe ali ndi ana. Izi, mwinamwake, ndi chimodzi mwa kusintha kwakukulu kwa anthu: ngati tilibe ana, izi sizikutanthauza kuti adzatilozera chala, kuti ndife oipa kuposa ena, kuti ndife okwatirana achiwiri. Komabe, m'gulu la anthu osazindikira komanso osazindikira, okwatirana opanda mwana amawonedwa ngati chinthu chachilendo.

Koma kachiwiri, zonse zimatengera gulu lomwe tikukamba. Chilichonse chimadalira chithunzi cha mwamuna ndi mkazi ngati oimira gulu ili. Mwachitsanzo, m’dera la kumpoto kwa Africa, ngati mkazi alibe mwana, sangaonedwe ngati mkazi, ngati mwamuna alibe ana, si mwamuna. Koma ngakhale m'mayiko akumadzulo, ngati mulibe ana, anthu ozungulira inu amayamba kuyankhula za izo: ndi zomvetsa chisoni kuti alibe mwana, ndipo chifukwa chiyani zili choncho, ndi odzikonda kwambiri, mwina ali ndi mtundu wina. mavuto amthupi.

N’chifukwa chiyani okwatirana amasudzulanabe?

Zifukwa zazikulu zopatukana ndi kusakhutitsidwa ndi kugonana komanso kusalankhulana mwabanja. Ngati moyo wa kugonana, womwe lero timawona kuti ndi wofunika kwambiri, umavutika, izi zingayambitse kulekana kwa okwatirana. Kapena ngati tilibe kugonana kokwanira mwa okwatirana, timayamba kuyang'ana kukhutitsidwa kwa kugonana kumbali. Pamene okwatiranawo sakupezanso njira yopulumukira, aganiza zochoka.

Chinthu china - pamene mmodzi wa okwatirana sangathenso kupirira kukhala pamodzi, akuthamangira ku ufulu. Ngati mmodzi wa okwatirana amapereka chisamaliro chochuluka ndi mphamvu kwa banja, pamene winayo akuyang'ana pa chitukuko chaumwini, ndiye kuti kukhala pamodzi kumataya tanthauzo lake. Anthu ena ofooka omwe ali ndi zizolowezi zamatsenga amafika ponena kuti "Sindingathe kukhalanso ndi banja, osati chifukwa sindimakondanso, koma chifukwa chimawononga umunthu wanga." Mwa kuyankhula kwina, kudzizindikiritsa mopambanitsa ndi ena kumayika pachiwopsezo changa chabodza komanso kudzizindikiritsa ndekha.

Kodi kulumikizana kwakunja ndikovomerezeka bwanji masiku ano?

Mu banja lamakono, wokondedwa aliyense ayenera kukhala ndi ufulu wokwanira. Zokonda zamunthu payekhapayekha zakhala zofunikira kwambiri. Pali zoletsa zochepa. Koma pamlingo wamalingaliro, mgwirizano wina, mgwirizano wa narcissistic, umatsirizidwa mwa okwatirana. "Ndinakusankhani, tinasankha wina ndi mnzake, motsogozedwa ndi chikhumbo chofuna kudzipatula komanso muyaya wa ubale wathu." Mwa kuyankhula kwina, ndikulonjeza kuti ndiwe yekha, mnzanga wapadera, ndipo ndidzakhala ndi iwe nthawi zonse. Lingaliro ili likuphatikizidwa ndi lingaliro lachikhristu la ukwati. Lingaliro limeneli likhoza kukhala m’mutu mwathu, koma sikuti zonse zimachitika mwanjira imeneyo.

Freud adanena kuti libido ya aliyense wa abwenzi ndi yosinthika, imayendayenda kuchoka ku chinthu chimodzi kupita ku china. Choncho, mgwirizano woyamba ndi wovuta kukwaniritsa moyo wonse pamodzi, umatsutsana ndi kusinthasintha kwa libido. Kotero lero, ndi kukula kwaumwini ndi ufulu, timapanga okwatirana, poganiza kuti winayo adzatinyengerera, kuti tidzakhala ndi nkhani zachikondi ndi ena. Zonse zimatengera momwe aliyense wa okondedwa mkati mwa awiriwa adzasinthira, zomwe zidzakhalire kukula kwake kwamaganizo, ndipo sitingathe kudziwiratu izi.

Kuphatikiza apo, zimatengera kusinthika kwa banja lokha. Ndi chikhalidwe chanji chaukwati chomwe chidayamba? Kodi ife, mu chikhalidwe chosankhidwa cha banja, ndi bwenzi linalake, tingakhale ndi zibwenzi zina zakunja? Mwinamwake pangakhale nkhani pambali zomwe sizimapweteka mnzanuyo ndipo sizikuika pangozi kukhalapo kwa banjali.