Ndikufuna kukondedwa

N’zachidziŵikire kuti mwanayo sangakhale ndi moyo popanda chikondi ndi chisamaliro cha makolo ndipo nayenso amalabadira zimenezo mwachikondi champhamvu. Koma bwanji akulu?

Chodabwitsa, kwa nthawi yayitali (mpaka cha m'ma 1980) ankakhulupirira kuti, ndithudi, munthu wamkulu ndi wokwanira. Ndipo amene ankafuna kusisitidwa, kutonthozedwa ndi kumvetseredwa ankatchedwa “odalira.” Koma maganizo asintha.

Chizoloŵezi chogwira ntchito

Tatiana Gorbolskaya, yemwe ndi katswiri wa zamaganizo, ananena kuti: “Tangoganizani kuti muli pafupi ndi inu, ndipo simungafune kumwetulira. Tsopano tangolingalirani kuti mwapeza bwenzi lapamtima, amene mumamva bwino naye, amene amakumvetsani… Maganizo osiyana kotheratu, sichoncho? Tikakula, timafunikira ubwenzi wapamtima ndi munthu wina monga mmene tinkachitira tili ana!”

M'zaka za m'ma 1950, katswiri wa psychoanalyst wa Chingerezi John Bowlby adayambitsa chiphunzitso chogwirizana ndi zomwe ana amawona. Pambuyo pake, akatswiri ena a zamaganizo anayamba malingaliro ake, akumapeza kuti akuluakulu nawonso amafunikira kugwirizana. Chikondi chili mu majini athu, osati chifukwa chakuti tiyenera kuberekana: ndizotheka popanda chikondi.

Koma ndikofunikira kuti munthu apulumuke. Tikakondedwa, timakhala otetezeka, timalimbana bwino ndi zolephera ndikulimbitsa ma algorithms opambana. John Bowlby analankhula za "chizoloŵezi chogwira ntchito": luso lofunafuna ndi kuvomereza chithandizo chamaganizo. Chikondi chingabwezeretsenso umphumphu kwa ife.

“Ana kaŵirikaŵiri amasiya mbali ina ya iwo eni kuti akondweretse makolo awo,” akufotokoza motero Alexander Chernikov, katswiri wa zamaganizo a banja, “amadziletsa kudandaula ngati kholo limayamikira kupirira, kapena kukhala wodalira kotero kuti kholo lidzimva kukhala lofunikira. Monga akuluakulu, timasankha kukhala ogwirizana ndi munthu amene angatithandize kupezanso gawo lotayikali. Mwachitsanzo, kuvomereza kufooka kwanu kapena kudzidalira kwambiri.”

Maubwenzi apamtima amalimbikitsa thanzi. Anthu osakwatiwa amakhala ndi vuto la kuthamanga kwa magazi komanso kuthamanga kwa magazi komwe kumapangitsa kuti pakhale chiopsezo cha mtima komanso sitiroko¹.

Koma maubwenzi oipa ndi oipa mofanana ndi kusakhala nawo. Amuna omwe samva chikondi cha okwatirana amakhala ndi angina pectoris. Akazi osakondedwa ndiwo amadwala matenda oopsa kwambiri kuposa amene ali m’banja losangalala. Ngati wachibale wathu alibe chidwi ndi ife, timaona kuti zimenezi zingatiwononge.

Kodi muli ndi ine?

Mikangano imachitika m'mabanja omwe okwatirana ali ndi chidwi kwambiri kwa wina ndi mnzake, komanso pomwe chidwi chawo chazimiririka. Apa ndi apo, mkangano umayambitsa kusagwirizana ndi mantha otaya. Koma palinso kusiyana! "Omwe ali ndi chidaliro mu mphamvu ya maubwenzi amabwezeretsedwa mosavuta," akutsindika Tatyana Gorbolskaya. "Koma iwo omwe amakayikira kulimba kwa kulumikizanako amagwera mu mantha."

Kuopa kusiyidwa kumatipangitsa kuchitapo kanthu mwa njira ziwiri. Choyamba ndikuyandikira kwambiri mnzanuyo, kumamatira kwa iye kapena kuukira (kufuula, kufuna, "kuyatsa moto") kuti muyankhe mwamsanga, kutsimikizira kuti kugwirizana kudakali moyo. Chachiwiri ndi kuchoka kwa wokondedwa wanu, kudzipatula nokha ndikuzizira, kusagwirizana ndi malingaliro anu kuti musavutike kwambiri. Njira ziwiri zonsezi zimangowonjezera kusamvana.

Koma nthawi zambiri mumafuna kuti wokondedwa wanu abwerere kwa ife mtendere, kutitsimikizira za chikondi chake, kukumbatirana, kunena chinachake chosangalatsa. Koma ndi angati amene angayerekeze kukumbatira chinjoka chopuma moto kapena chifaniziro cha ayezi? "Ndicho chifukwa chake, pa maphunziro a maanja, akatswiri a zamaganizo amathandiza okwatirana kuphunzira kufotokoza mosiyana ndi kuyankha osati ku khalidwe, koma zomwe zimayima kumbuyo kwake: kufunikira kwakukulu kwa ubwenzi," akutero Tatyana Gorbolskaya. Iyi si ntchito yophweka, koma masewerawa ndi ofunika kandulo!

Ataphunzira kumvetsetsana, okwatirana amamanga ubale wolimba womwe ungapirire ziwopsezo zakunja ndi zamkati. Ngati funso lathu (lomwe silinalankhulidwe mokweza) kwa mnzathu ndi "Kodi muli ndi ine?" - nthawi zonse amapeza yankho "inde", n'zosavuta kuti tilankhule za zilakolako zathu, mantha, ziyembekezo zathu. Podziwa kuti munthu amene timam’konda angayankhe pempho lopempha thandizo, timakhala odekha ndi odzidalira.

Mphatso yanga yabwino kwambiri

“Nthawi zambiri tinkakangana, ndipo mwamuna wanga ankati sapirira ndikamakuwa. Ndipo angafune kuti ndimupatse mphindi zisanu zokhala panyumba ngati pali kusiyana maganizo, malinga ndi pempho lake,” akutero Tamara wazaka 36 zakubadwa ponena za zimene zinam’chitikira pa chithandizo cha banja. - Ndikukuwa? Ndinamva ngati sindinakwezepo mawu anga! Komabe, ndinaganiza zoyesera.

Patatha pafupifupi mlungu umodzi, ndikukambitsirana komwe sikunandikhudze nkomwe, mwamuna wanga ananena kuti adzakhala kunja kwa kanthaŵi. Poyamba, ndinkafuna chizolowezi chokwiya, koma ndinakumbukira lonjezo langa.

Anandisiya, ndipo ndinachita mantha. Ndinkaona ngati wandisiya mpaka kalekale. Ndinafuna kumuthamangira, koma ndinadziletsa. Patapita mphindi zisanu anabwerera n’kunena kuti anali wokonzeka kundimvera. Tamara amatcha "cosmic relief" malingaliro omwe adamugwira panthawiyo.

Alexander Chernikov anati: "Zimene mnzako amapempha zingawoneke zachilendo, zopusa kapena zosatheka. “Koma ngati ife, ngakhale monyinyirika, tichita ichi, ndiye kuti sitithandiza wina kokha, komanso kubwezera chotayika cha ife eni. Komabe, izi ziyenera kukhala mphatso: sizingatheke kuvomereza kusinthanitsa, chifukwa gawo lachibwana la umunthu wathu silivomereza maubwenzi a mgwirizano.².

Mphatso sikutanthauza kuti mnzanuyo azingoganizira zonse yekha. Izi zikutanthauza kuti amabwera kudzakumana nafe mwakufuna kwake, mwakufuna kwake, m’mawu ena, chifukwa cha chikondi chathu.

Chodabwitsa n’chakuti, achikulire ambiri amawopa kulankhula zimene akufunikira. Zifukwa ndizosiyana: kuopa kukanidwa, chikhumbo chofanana ndi chifaniziro cha ngwazi yomwe ilibe zosowa (zomwe zingawoneke ngati zofooka), kapena kusadziwa kwake chabe za iwo.

"Psychotherapy kwa maanja imayika imodzi mwa ntchito zothandizira aliyense kuti adziwe chinenero chawo chachikondi ndi zomwe wokondedwa wake ali nazo, chifukwa izi sizingakhale zofanana," akutero Tatyana Gorbolskaya. – Ndiyeno aliyense akadali kuphunzira kulankhula chinenero cha wina, ndipo zimenezi si zophweka nthawi zonse.

Ndinali ndi awiri ochiritsira: ali ndi njala yamphamvu yokhudzana ndi thupi, ndipo amakhutitsidwa ndi chikondi cha amayi ndipo amapewa kukhudza kulikonse kunja kwa kugonana. Chinthu chachikulu apa ndi kuleza mtima ndi kukonzeka kukumana pakati pawo. " Osadzudzula ndi kukakamiza, koma funsani ndikuwona zopambana.

kusintha ndi kusintha

Maubwenzi okondana ndi kuphatikiza kotetezedwa komanso kugonana. Kupatula apo, ubwenzi wapamtima umadziwika ndi chiopsezo ndi kumasuka, kosatheka mu kulumikizana kwachiphamaso. Othandizana nawo olumikizidwa ndi maubwenzi olimba komanso odalirika amakhala okhudzidwa kwambiri komanso amalabadira zosowa za wina ndi mnzake pa chisamaliro.

"Mwachidziwitso timasankha anzathu omwe amangoganizira zowawa zathu. Akhoza kupangitsa kuti zikhale zowawa kwambiri, kapena akhoza kumuchiritsa, monga momwe timachitira, - Tatyana Gorbolskaya analemba. Chilichonse chimadalira chidwi ndi kudalira. Sikuti cholumikizira chilichonse chili chotetezeka kuyambira pachiyambi. Koma zitha kupangidwa ngati mabwenzi ali ndi cholinga chotere. ”

Kuti tikhale ndi maubwenzi apamtima okhalitsa, tiyenera kuzindikira zosoŵa zathu zamkati ndi zokhumba zathu. Ndipo muwasinthe kukhala mauthenga omwe okondedwa angamvetse ndikutha kuyankha. Bwanji ngati zonse zili bwino?

Alexander Chernikov anati: "Timasintha tsiku ndi tsiku, monga mnzathu," motero maubale nawonso akukula mosalekeza. Ubale ndi mgwirizano wopitilira. ” zomwe aliyense amapereka.

¹ Kutengera kafukufuku wa Louise Hawkley wa Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. Izi ndi zina zonse za mutuwu zatengedwa kuchokera ku Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight (Mann, Ivanov, and Ferber, 2018).

² Harville Hendrix, Momwe Mungapezere Chikondi Chimene Mukufuna (Kron-Press, 1999).