Timasonyeza chikondi m'njira zosiyanasiyana: ndi mawu okoma mtima, kuyang'ana kwakutali ndi kukhudza kwanthawi yochepa, komanso ndi mphatso, maluwa kapena zikondamoyo zotentha m'mawa ... Nanga ndi misampha iti yomwe yatidikira kuno?
Psychology: Kutentha, chikondi, chisamaliro - mawu omwe ali pafupi ndi tanthauzo. Koma zikafika paubwenzi wachikondi, mithunzi yatanthauzo ndiyofunikira ...
Svetlana Fedorova: Mawu akuti "chisamaliro" amagwirizana ndi Old Russian "zob", kutanthauza "chakudya, chakudya" ndi "zobatisya" - "kudya". «Zobota» kamodzi ankatanthauza chikhumbo kupereka chakudya, chakudya. Ndipo pa nthawi ya chibwenzi, timasonyeza mnzathu wamtsogolo kuti ndife okhoza kukhala amayi apanyumba abwino kapena atate abanja, kuti tidzatha kudyetsa ana.
Kudyetsa ndi chilengedwe cha moyo ndi chikondi choyamba chimene timalandira kuchokera kwa mayi. Popanda chisamaliro chimenechi, mwanayo sangakhale ndi moyo. Timakumananso ndi zogonana kwa nthawi yoyamba muubwenzi woyambilira wa mwana ndi mayi. Uku ndi kukumbatirana ndi kukwapula komwe sikuli kokhudzana ndi kukhutiritsa zofunika zofunika. Kumva kukhudza, mwana amamva wokongola kwa mayi, iwo onse amasangalala kukhudzana, tactile ndi zooneka.
Kodi kaonedwe kathu ka chikondi kamasintha bwanji tikamakalamba?
SF: Malingana ngati mwanayo ali ndi mgwirizano ndi mayi, chisamaliro ndi chikondi zimakhala mbali ziwiri za ndalama imodzi. Koma atate amatsegula dyadi "mayi-mwana": ali ndi ubale wake ndi mayi, womwe umamuchotsa kwa mwanayo. Mwanayo amakhumudwa ndipo amayesa kulingalira momwe angasangalalire popanda kukhalapo kwa amayi.
Pogwirizana kwambiri, munthu sanganyalanyaze malingaliro ndi zosowa za mnzake.
Pang'onopang'ono amakhazikitsa kugwirizana ndi anthu ena, ali ndi zaka 3-5 maganizo ake amatembenukira, malingaliro amadza pa kugwirizana kwapadera pakati pa makolo ake, zomwe sizili ngati ubale wake ndi amayi ake. Kukhoza kwake kufufuza thupi lake ndi kusangalala nalo kumamasulira kutha kuganiza za kugwirizana kwachiwerewere pakati pa anthu ndi zosangalatsa zomwe zingapezeke pokhudzana ndi wina.
Kusamalira kumasiyana ndi erotica?
SF: Mutha kunena choncho. Chisamaliro chimagwirizana ndi kulamulira ndi utsogoleri: amene amasamalidwa amakhala ofooka, osatetezeka kuposa amene amamusamalira. Ndipo kugonana, kugonana ndi nkhani. Chisamaliro chimatanthauza nkhawa ndi mavuto, ndipo kukopeka sikumalumikizidwa ndi nkhawa, ndi malo osangalatsa, kufufuza, kusewera. Kusamalira nthawi zambiri kumakhala kopanda chifundo. Titha kusamalira mnzathu mopanda cholakwika ndipo osayesa kumvetsetsa zomwe zimamuvutitsa.
Ndipo kugonana ndiko kutengera maganizo, kumagwirizana ndi zilakolako ndi zosowa za wina. Kusisitirana wina ndi mzake, tikulowa mu zokambirana, kukopana: mwandilandira? Ngati wina achita cholakwika, mnzakeyo amachoka kapena kuwonetsetsa kuti sakukonda. Ndipo mosemphanitsa. Pogwirizana kwambiri, munthu sanganyalanyaze malingaliro ndi zosowa za mnzake. Maubwenzi sangakhale odzaza ndi kukhulupirirana ngati okondedwawo saganizirana.
Zikuoneka kuti kusamalira okondedwa penapake ndikosiyana ndi kusamalira kholo za mwana?
SF: Ndithudi. Aliyense wa ife nthawi zina amatopa, amakhala ndi nkhawa kwambiri, amadwala komanso amasowa chochita, ndipo tiyenera kuzindikira kuti pa nthawi ngati imeneyi pali winawake woti tizimudalira.
Wokondedwayo, yemwe waphimbidwa ndi chikondi komanso chisamaliro ngati ulusi, amagwera paubwana.
Koma nthawi zina mmodzi wa okwatirana amatenga udindo waubwana, ndipo winayo, mosiyana ndi kholo. Mwachitsanzo, msungwana, atagwa m'chikondi, amayamba kusamalira mnyamata wosaima: kuphika, kuyeretsa, kusamalira. Kapena mwamuna wakhala akusamalira m’nyumba kwa zaka zambiri, ndipo mkaziyo amagona pabedi ali ndi mutu waching’alang’ala ndi kudzisamalira. Ubale woterewu umatha.
Chifukwa chiyani pamapeto pake, zomwe zimalepheretsa chitukuko ndi chiyani?
SF: Pamene wina akuyembekeza kupeza chikondi cha wina ndi chidwi chake, maubwenzi oterowo ali ngati ndalama zamtengo wapatali, samapereka mpata wachitukuko. Ndipo mnzakeyo, yemwe waphimbidwa ndi kutentha komanso chisamaliro ngati chingwe, amagwera muubwana. Ngakhale kupanga ntchito, kupeza ndalama, akuwoneka kuti akuyamwitsa amayi ake. Sakhwima kwenikweni.
Kodi malemba otere timawatenga kuti?
SF: Kudzitchinjiriza mopambanitsa kaŵirikaŵiri kumagwirizanitsidwa ndi zochitika zaubwana pamene munayenera kulimbikira kuti mupeze chikondi cha kholo. Amayi adati: yeretsani nyumbayo, pezani zisanu, ndipo ndikupatsani ..., gulani ... Umu ndi momwe timazolowera kupeza chikondi, ndipo izi zikuwoneka ngati zodalirika kwambiri.
Timaopa kuyesa chinthu china, ndizosavuta kuti tigwirizane ndi zosowa za mnzathu. Tsoka ilo, kusungitsa koteroko nthawi zina kumasanduka chidani - pamene mlonda amazindikira mwadzidzidzi kuti sadzalandira kubwerera. Chifukwa chikondi chenicheni sichingapezeke posamalira. Njira yokhayo yopitira ku chikondi ndiyo kuvomereza zina za wina ndi kuzindikira kudzipatula.
Tikufuna kusamalidwa, komanso kulemekezedwa chifukwa cha ufulu wodzilamulira. Kodi kukhalabe osamala?
SF: Lankhulani panthawi yake za zilakolako zanu, kuphatikizapo za kugonana. Wopereka zambiri, posakhalitsa amayamba kuyembekezera kubweza chinachake. Mkazi amene mwaufulu amasita malaya a mwamuna wake tsiku ndi tsiku amatha tsiku lina, amadzuka ndi kuyembekezera kubwezerana, koma m'malo mwake amamva chipongwe. Ali ndi mkwiyo. Koma chifukwa chake n’chakuti nthawi yonseyi sankachita chibwibwi ngakhale pang’ono ponena za zokonda zake.
Aliyense amene amamva kuti sakumva, osavomerezeka, ayenera kudzifunsa kuti: ndi nthawi yanji yomwe ndinaponda pa zilakolako zanga? Kodi mkhalidwewo ungawongoledwe motani? Ndikosavuta kumvera tokha tikakumana ndi "Ndikufuna" ndi "Nditha" - ndi mwana wathu wamkati, kholo, wamkulu.
Thandizo lenileni siliri pochitira wina chirichonse, koma kulemekeza chuma chake, mphamvu yamkati
Ndikofunikira kuti mnzakeyo anali wokonzeka kutenga maudindo osiyanasiyana. Kotero kuti pempho lanu loti "mutenge m'manja mwanu" lisamveke: "Ichi ndi chiyani? Inenso ndikufuna! Zigwireni nokha." Ngati wina m’banja samva mwana wake wamkati, ndiye kuti sangamve zilakolako za mnzake.
Kungakhale kwabwino kupeŵa ngozi yoyezera pa sikelo amene anasamalira ndani ndi kumlingo wotani!
SF: Inde, ndipo chifukwa chake ndizothandiza kwambiri kuchita zinthu limodzi: kuphika chakudya, kusewera masewera, ski, kulera ana, kuyenda. M'mapulojekiti ophatikizana, mutha kudziganizira nokha ndi zina, kukambirana, kukangana, kupeza kusagwirizana.
Ukalamba, matenda a m'modzi mwa okondedwa nthawi zambiri amayika ubale wawo kukhala wosunga ...
SF: Kukayikakayika za kukongola kwa thupi lanu lokalamba kumasokoneza anthu omwe ali pafupi. Koma kusamala kumafunika: kumathandiza kusunga mphamvu za moyo wina ndi mzake. Chisangalalo cha ubwenzi sichitha ndendende ndi zaka. Inde, kudera nkhaŵa wina kumayambitsa chikhumbo chofuna chisamaliro, osati kumusisita.
Koma thandizo lenileni silikhudza kuchitira wina aliyense chilichonse. Ndipo polemekeza chuma chake, mphamvu yamkati. Mukutha kuona osati zosowa zake zokha, komanso kuthekera kwake, zokhumba zapamwamba. Zabwino kwambiri zomwe wokonda angapereke ndikulola mnzakeyo kuthana ndi chizoloŵezicho mpaka pamlingo waukulu ndikukhala moyo wake payekha. Chisamaliro choterocho n’cholimbikitsa.
Kodi kuwerenga za izo?
Zinenero Zisanu Zachikondi Gary Chapman
Mlangizi wa mabanja ndi m’busa apeza kuti pali njira zazikulu zisanu zosonyezera chikondi. Nthawi zina sagwirizana ndi abwenzi. Ndiyeno wina samvetsa zizindikiro za mzake. Koma kumvetsetsana kungabwezeretsedwe.
(Baibulo la Onse, 2021)
1 Kafukufuku wa 2014 VTsIOM m'buku la "Two in Society: An Intimate Couple in the Modern World" (VTsIOM, 2020).