Kodi n’zotheka kukhululukira mayi amene sanatikonde?

Funso la chikhululukiro muzochitika zomwe mwalakwiridwa kwambiri kapena kuperekedwa ndi mutu wovuta kwambiri. Makamaka pankhani ya mayi, amene ntchito yake yaikulu ndi kukonda ndi kusamalira. Ndipo ndi pamene iye anakukhumudwitsani inu. Zotsatira zake zidzakhala ndi inu kwa moyo wonse, sizidzamveka muubwana, komanso muukulu.

Wolemba ndakatulo Alexander Papa analemba kuti: "Kulakwitsa ndi munthu, kukhululukira ndi mulungu." Ndi chikhalidwe cha chikhalidwe kuti kukhululuka, makamaka cholakwa chopweteka kwambiri kapena nkhanza, nthawi zambiri amatengedwa ngati chizindikiro cha kusintha kwa makhalidwe kapena uzimu. Ulamuliro wa kutanthauzira uku akuthandizidwa ndi miyambo ya Chiyuda-Chikhristu, mwachitsanzo, imawonekera m'pemphero "Atate Wathu".

Ndikofunikira kuwona ndi kuzindikira kukondera kwa chikhalidwe koteroko, chifukwa mwana wamkazi wosakondedwa adzakakamizika kukhululukira amayi ake. Chitsenderezo cha m’maganizo chikhoza kuperekedwa ndi mabwenzi apamtima, mabwenzi, achibale, anthu osawadziŵa kotheratu, ndipo ngakhale ochiritsa. Kuphatikiza apo, kufunika kowoneka bwinoko kuposa amayi ake kumachita mbali yake.

Koma ngati tingavomereze kuti kukhululukidwa kuli koyenera kuchokera pamalingaliro a makhalidwe abwino, ndiye kuti mfundoyi imayambitsa mafunso ambiri. Kodi kukhululuka kumachotsa zoipa zonse zimene munthu wachita, kodi kumamukhululukira? Kapena pali njira ina? Ndani akufunikira kwambiri: wokhululukira kapena wokhululukira? Kodi iyi ndi njira yochotsera mkwiyo? Kodi kukhululuka kumapereka mapindu ambiri kuposa kubwezera? Kapena amatisandutsa ofooka ndi onyenga? Takhala tikuyesetsa kuyankha mafunso amenewa kwa zaka zambiri.

Psychology ya chikhululukiro

M'masiku oyambirira a mbiri yakale, anthu anali okhoza kukhala ndi moyo m'magulu osati okha kapena awiriawiri, choncho mwachidziwitso, chikhululukiro chinakhala njira ya khalidwe la prosocial. Kubwezera sikumangolekanitsa inu ndi wolakwayo ndi ogwirizana naye, koma kungathenso kutsutsana ndi zofuna za gululo. Nkhani yaposachedwapa ya University of North Carolina katswiri wa zamaganizo Janie L. Burnett ndi anzake akuganiza kuti kukhululuka monga njira kumafunika kuwerengera kuopsa kwa kubwezera motsutsana ndi phindu lotheka la mgwirizano wina.

Chinachake chonga ichi: mnyamata wamng'ono adagwira bwenzi lanu, koma mukumvetsa kuti ndi mmodzi mwa anthu amphamvu kwambiri mu fuko ndipo mphamvu zake zidzafunika kwambiri panthawi ya chigumula. Mutani? Kodi mudzabwezera kuti ena akuchitireni mwano, kapena kodi mudzalingalira za kuthekera kwa ntchito yochitira limodzi mtsogolo ndi kumkhululukira? Zoyeserera zingapo pakati pa ophunzira aku koleji zidawonetsa kuti lingaliro la kukhululuka limakhudza kwambiri kasamalidwe ka chiopsezo mu maubwenzi.

Kafukufuku wina akusonyeza kuti mikhalidwe ina imapangitsa anthu kukhala okhululuka. Kapena, molondola, kukhulupirira kuti kukhululuka ndi njira yothandiza komanso yothandiza pazochitika zomwe adachitiridwa mopanda chilungamo. Katswiri wina wa zamaganizo Michael McCullough analemba m’nkhani yake kuti anthu amene amadziwa kupindula ndi maubwenzi amakhala okhululuka. Zomwezo zimagwiranso ntchito kwa anthu okhazikika m'malingaliro, achipembedzo, achipembedzo kwambiri.

Kukhululukidwa kumaphatikizapo njira zingapo zamaganizo: chifundo kwa wolakwirayo, kuyamikira kwina kwa iye ndi kukhoza kusabwerera mobwerezabwereza ku zomwe wolakwayo anachita. Nkhaniyi sinatchule kugwirizana, koma mukhoza kuona kuti tikamalankhula za kugwirizana ndi nkhawa (zimadziwonetsera ngati munthu analibe chithandizo choyenera chamaganizo ali mwana), wozunzidwayo sangathe kugonjetsa zonsezi.

Njira ya meta-analytical imasonyeza kuti pali kugwirizana pakati pa kudziletsa ndi kukhoza kukhululukira. Chikhumbo chobwezera chimakhala "chachikale", ndipo njira yothandiza ndi chizindikiro cha kudziletsa kwamphamvu. Kunena zoona, zikumveka ngati kukondera kwina kwa chikhalidwe.

Kupsompsona kwa Nungu ndi Kuzindikira Zina

Frank Fincham, katswiri wa chikhululukiro, akupereka chithunzi cha nungu ziwiri zikupsompsona monga chizindikiro cha zosokoneza za ubale wa anthu. Tangoganizani: usiku wachisanu, awiriwa amasonkhana pamodzi kuti afunde, kusangalala ndi ubwenzi. Ndipo mwadzidzidzi munga wa wina umakumba pakhungu la mnzake. Uwu! Anthu ndi zolengedwa zapagulu, kotero timakhala pachiwopsezo cha "oops" mphindi tikamafunafuna ubwenzi. Fincham amasiyanitsa bwino lomwe chikhululukiro ndi chiyani, ndipo gawo ili ndilofunika kudziwa.

Kukhululuka sikutanthauza kukana kapena kunamizira kuti palibe cholakwa. M'malo mwake, kukhululuka kumatsimikizira kukwiya, chifukwa ngati sikukanafunikira. Kuonjezera apo, kuvulaza kumatsimikiziridwa ngati chidziwitso: kachiwiri, zochita zosazindikira sizifuna kukhululukidwa. Mwachitsanzo, nthambi ya mtengo wa mnansi ikathyola galasi lakutsogolo la galimoto yanu, simuyenera kukhululukira aliyense. Koma mnzako akatenga nthambi ndikuswa galasi chifukwa cha mkwiyo, zonse zimakhala zosiyana.

Kwa Fincham, kukhululuka sikutanthauza kuyanjananso kapena kugwirizanitsa. Ngakhale mukuyenera kukhululuka kuti mukonzenso, mutha kukhululukira wina koma osafuna kuchita nawo chilichonse. Pomaliza, ndipo chofunika kwambiri, kukhululuka si ntchito imodzi, ndi ndondomeko. Ndikofunikira kulimbana ndi malingaliro oyipa (zotsatira za zochita za wolakwirayo) ndikusintha zomwe zimafuna kubwezera ndi chidwi. Izi zimafuna zambiri zamaganizo ndi mwachidziwitso ntchito, kotero mawu akuti «Ndikuyesera kukukhululukirani» ali mwamtheradi zoona ndipo ali ndi tanthauzo lalikulu.

Kodi kukhululuka kumagwira ntchito nthawi zonse?

Kuchokera pazomwe mumakumana nazo kapena kuchokera ku anecdotes, mumadziwa kale yankho la funso lakuti ngati kukhululukidwa kumagwira ntchito nthawi zonse: mwachidule, ayi, osati nthawi zonse. Tiyeni tione kafukufuku amene akusanthula mbali zoipa za ndondomekoyi. Nkhani ya mutu wakuti “The Doormat Effect,” ndi nkhani yochenjeza kwa ana aakazi amene amayembekezera kukhululukira amayi awo ndi kupitiriza nawo unansi wawo.

Zambiri mwazofukufuku zimayang'ana pa ubwino wa chikhululukiro, kotero ntchito ya akatswiri a zamaganizo Laura Lucic, Elie Finkel, ndi anzawo amawoneka ngati nkhosa yakuda. Iwo anapeza kuti kukhululuka kumagwira ntchito pamikhalidwe ina yake—ndiko kuti, pamene wolakwayo walapa ndi kuyesa kusintha khalidwe lake.

Izi zikachitika, palibe chomwe chimawopseza kudzidalira komanso kudzilemekeza kwa wokhululuka. Koma ngati wolakwiridwayo akupitirizabe kuchita monga mwachizolowezi, kapenanso choipitsitsa kwambiri - akuwona kukhululukidwa ngati chifukwa chatsopano chophwanya kukhulupirirana, izi zidzasokoneza kudzidalira kwa munthu amene angamve kunyengedwa ndi kugwiritsidwa ntchito. Ngakhale kuti bungwe la kafukufukuyu limalimbikitsa kukhululuka ngati njira yothetsera vutolo, likuphatikizaponso ndime iyi: “Zochita za ozunzidwa ndi olakwira zimakhudza kwambiri mkhalidwe wa pambuyo pa nkhanza.”

Kudzilemekeza ndi kudzidalira kwa wozunzidwayo kumatsimikiziridwa osati kokha ndi chisankho chokhululukira wolakwirayo kapena ayi, komanso ngati zochita za wolakwiridwa zidzasonyeza chitetezo kwa wozunzidwayo, kufunikira kwake.

Ngati amayi anu sanaike makhadi awo patebulo, akumavomereza poyera mmene anakuchitirani ndi kukulonjezani kuti adzagwirizana nanu kuti musinthe, kukhululuka kwanu kungakhale njira yokhayo yoti iwo akuganizireninso ngati chopondera chachitseko.

Dance of Denial

Madokotala ndi ofufuza amavomereza kuti kukhululukira olakwa ndiko maziko a luso lomanga maunansi apamtima, makamaka a m’banja. Koma ndi kusungitsa kwina. Maubwenzi ayenera kukhala ofanana, popanda kusagwirizana kwa mphamvu, pamene onse awiri ali ndi chidwi chofanana pa mgwirizanowu ndikuchitapo kanthu mofanana. Ubale wapakati pa mayi ndi mwana wosakondedwa suli wofanana, ngakhale mwanayo atakula. Amafunikirabe chikondi ndi chithandizo cha amayi, zomwe sanalandire.

Chikhumbo chokhululukira chingakhale cholepheretsa kuchiritsa kwenikweni - mwana wamkazi ayamba kupeputsa kuvutika kwake ndikudzinyenga. Izi zitha kutchedwa "kuvina kokana": zochita ndi mawu a amayi amafotokozedwa momveka bwino ndipo zimagwirizana ndi mtundu wina wa chikhalidwe. "Sakumvetsa zomwe zimandipweteka." "Ubwana wake womwe unali wosasangalala ndipo sakudziwa momwe zingakhalire." "Mwina ali wolondola ndipo ndimadzitengera ndekha."

Kukhoza kukhululuka kumaonedwa ngati chizindikiro chapamwamba cha makhalidwe abwino, chimene chimatisiyanitsa ndi anthu ambiri olakwiridwa. Choncho, zingawoneke kwa mwana wamkazi kuti ngati afika pa chizindikiro ichi, potsirizira pake adzalandira chinthu chofunika kwambiri padziko lapansi: chikondi cha amayi ake.

Mwina kukambiranako kusakhale kokhudza ngati mungawakhululukire amayi anu, koma kuti muwakhululukire liti komanso chifukwa chotani.

Kukhululuka pambuyo pa kutha kwa banja

“Kukhululuka kumabwera ndi machiritso, ndipo machiritso amayamba ndi kuona mtima komanso kudzikonda. Pakukhululuka, sindikutanthauza kuti “zili bwino, ndamvetsa, wangolakwitsa, sindiwe woipa.” Timapereka chikhululukiro “chawamba” tsiku lililonse, chifukwa anthu si angwiro ndipo amakonda kulakwitsa.

Koma ndikunena za mtundu wina wa chikhululukiro. Monga chonchi: "Ndikumvetsa zomwe munachita, zinali zoipa komanso zosavomerezeka, zandisiya chilonda kwa moyo wanga wonse. Koma ndikupita patsogolo, chipsera chimachira, ndipo sindikugwiranso ntchito kwa inu. Umo ndi mtundu wa chikhululukiro chimene ndimachifuna pamene ndikuchira ku zoopsa. Komabe, kukhululuka sindiko cholinga chachikulu. Cholinga chachikulu ndikuchiritsa. Kukhululuka ndi zotsatira za machiritso. "

Ana aakazi ambiri osakondedwa amaona kukhululuka ngati sitepe lomaliza la njira yopita ku ufulu. Zikuoneka kuti samangoganizira kwambiri za kukhululukira amayi awo kusiyana ndi kuthetsa ubale wawo ndi iwo. M'maganizo, mudakali pachibwenzi ngati mukupitirizabe kukwiya: kudandaula za momwe amayi anu adakuchitirani nkhanza, momwe zilili zopanda chilungamo kuti adakhala amayi anu poyamba. Pamenepa, kukhululukidwa kumakhala kuleka kulankhulana kotheratu ndi kosasinthika.

Koma mwana wamkazi wina anafotokoza kusiyana pakati pa kukhululuka ndi kulekanitsidwa:

“Sindidzatembenuza patsaya lina ndi kutambasula nthambi ya azitona (sadzateronso). Chinthu choyandikira kwambiri ku chikhululukiro kwa ine ndicho kukhala womasuka ku nkhaniyi mu lingaliro lina la Chibuda. Kutafuna mosalekeza pamutuwu kumawononga ubongo, ndipo ndikadzipeza ndikuganiza za izi, ndimayesetsa kuyang'ana nthawi yomwe ilipo. Ndimaika maganizo pa mpweya wanga. Kachiwiri, ndi kachiwiri, ndi kachiwiri. Nthawi zambiri ngati pakufunika. Kukhumudwa - kuganizira zam'mbuyo, nkhawa zamtsogolo. Yankho lake ndikuzindikira kuti mukukhalira moyo lero. Chifundo chimaletsanso kupha poyizoni, choncho ndimalingalira zomwe zinapangitsa amayi kukhala chonchi. Koma zonse ndi za ubongo wanga. Kukhululuka? Ayi».

Kusankha kukhululukira amayi anu ndi kovuta, ndipo makamaka zimadalira zolinga zanu ndi zolinga zanu.

Nthawi zambiri ndimafunsidwa ngati ndawakhululukira amayi anga. Ayi, sindinatero. Kwa ine, kuchitira ana dala nkhanza nzosakhululukidwa, ndipo iye ali ndi mlandu wa izi. Koma ngati chimodzi mwa zigawo za chikhululukiro ndikutha kudzimasula nokha, ndiye kuti iyi ndi nkhani yosiyana kwambiri. Kunena zoona, sindimaganizira za mayi anga pokhapokha nditalemba za iwo. Tinganene kuti uku ndiko kumasulidwa kwenikweni.