Malingaliro athu okhudza dziko lapansi komanso za ife eni amayesedwa tikalowa mu ubale wapamtima. Nthawi zina okondedwa athu amasintha momwe timadzikondera. Kodi ndi liti pamene kugwirizana ndi munthu wina kumasokoneza kudzikhudza, ndipo kumathandiza liti? Timakambirana izi ndi psychotherapist.
Psychology: Kodi ndikofunikira kudzidziwa bwino musanalowe pachibwenzi?
Svetlana Krivtsova: Mwina. Aliyense amene alibe chidziwitso chodziwikiratu, yemwe sadziwa kudziteteza komanso samalemekeza ufulu wa wina, sali wokonzeka kuyanjana. Koma ndi angati a ife kumvetsetsa kumeneku kwatiteteza ku malingaliro amphamvu? Komabe, kugwa m'chikondi kumayesa mphamvu ya "Ine" yathu.
Kodi chimachitika n’chiyani kwa ife tikagwa m’chikondi?
Kugwa m'chikondi ndi mphamvu yogonjetsa yamphamvu, ndipo timamva kuti tagwidwa nayo. Kapena kuwopsyeza imfa ndi mphamvu ya kukwera kufunikira kwa ubwenzi, mphamvu ya chilakolako. Kukhala m'chikondi kumasonyeza momwe ndiliri ndi njala yamaganizo. Njala imeneyi inali itakula, ndipo sindinaizindikire. Mpaka wina atawonekera yemwe adanditumizira chizindikiro chachinsinsi kuti ndikhale naye "chinthu chomwecho."
Ndi chiyani kwenikweni? Iliyonse ndi yosiyana. Ena akufunafuna mtendere ndi chitetezo, chitetezo ndi kudalirika. Ndipo kugwa m’chikondi, kupeza bwenzi loyenera. Kwa ena, kukhazikika kumakhala kokwanira, ndipo amafunikira china chosiyana kwambiri - kuchotsa kunyong'onyeka, kukhala ndi chisangalalo, kukongoletsa moyo wabata movutikira komanso pachiwopsezo. Ndipo amagwa m’chikondi ndi ochita zinthu monyanyira.
Pamene zosowa zathu zili zamphamvu, m’pamenenso timachititsidwa khungu ndi zongopeka komanso m’pamenenso timaona anthu ochepa amene timakumana nawo.
Ndipo iwo omwe ali okhutitsidwa ndi chikondi cha makolo awo samapeza chipereŵero chake, koma chowonjezera: amafunitsitsa kupereka chikondi ndi chisamaliro. Ndipo pezani munthu wofunikira chisamaliro. Choncho, kwenikweni, mu chikondi pali msonkhano osati ndi munthu wina, koma ndi inu nokha, zomwe ziri zamtengo wapatali ndi zofunika kwa ife.
Pamene zosowa zathu zili zamphamvu, m’pamenenso timachititsidwa khungu ndi zongopeka komanso m’pamenenso timaona anthu ochepa amene timakumana nawo. Iyi ndi nkhani ya ife tokha zana limodzi.
Koma zongopeka zikatha ...
Posapita nthawi, chikondi chimatha. Nthawi zina kupatukana kumachitika mkati mwa mwezi umodzi mutakumana, koma nthawi zambiri maubwenzi omwe akhumudwitsidwa kale amakhala nthawi yayitali.
Poyang'ana mozama pa chinthu chomwe timakonda, titha kudzifunsa kuti: Ndinalowa bwanji muubwenzi wotere? Chifukwa chiyani ndidayika ziyembekezo zosatheka kwa munthu wodzikuza kwambiriyu ndikudikirira kuti azisamalira? Ndipo sindingagwerenso bwanji mumsampha komanso osamva wonyoza "Iwe ndiwe wolakwa pa chilichonse. Nenani zikomo chifukwa chakupirira nanu kwa nthawi yayitali.”
Tikachoka pachibwenzi ndi kudzidalira pang'ono, timamva zowawa zambiri. Ngati tikuwopa, ndiye kuti timathamangira ku chiyanjano chatsopano, koma ngati sichoncho, ndiye kuti timabwerera - ndipo nthawi zina timamva ngati okanidwa - kwa ife tokha.
Kodi chikondi chingatiyandikitse ife kufupi?
Inde, malinga ngati sitiopa mazunzo amene amatsagana ndi chikondi. Kuvutika kungatifikitse pafupi ndi ife tokha, ichi ndicho mtengo wake waukulu, choncho moyo sungakhoze kulingalira popanda iwo. Ndipo ngati tipeŵa mochenjera, ndiye kuti ngakhale chikondi sichingatifikitse kwa icho chokha. Ngati chonchi.
Kodi mungapirire bwanji ululu umenewu?
Ubale wabwino ndi iwe mwini umathandiza kuti usakhale kutali ndi zowawa: kukambirana moona mtima ndi mwaubwenzi, luso lodzimvera chisoni komanso ufulu wamkati kwa izo, kudzidalira ndi kumvera chisoni, kumangidwa pa chidziwitso cha zomwe munthu ayenera kuchita.
Mgwirizano wamphamvu ndi wekha - mu «ukwati» malamulo omwewo amagwira ntchito: «muchisoni ndi m'chimwemwe, mu chuma ndi umphawi» ... Osadzilekanitsa nokha, musataye nokha pamene chinachake chikulakwika. Yesani kumvetsetsa: chifukwa chiyani ndidachita izi osati ayi? Makamaka pamene ndinachita chinthu choipa chimene ndimanong’oneza nazo bondo.
Onani tanthauzo la zochita zanu, phunzirani chisoni ndi kulapa. Umu ndi mmene ubwenzi wabwino ndi ifeyo umakulirakulira pang’onopang’ono, zimene zimatipatsa lingaliro lakuti sitidzasiyidwa tokha. Ngakhale pali kusweka ndi wokondedwa ameneyo. Ndipo tidzamanga maubwenzi otsatirawa, pokhala okhwima komanso osamala.
Kodi n'zotheka kudutsa njira yakukula ndi mnzanu, ngati mutasankhabe kukhala pachibwenzi?
Zimatengera kuthekera kwa aliyense kuwona zomwe sizimukomera, gawo la kutengapo mbali kwake. Ndipo kukumana ndi chisokonezo komanso mantha pa izi: zimakhala kuti inu ndi mwamuna / mkazi wanu wodzikonda mumapanga banja loyenera!
Zimakhudzanso luso lotsogolera zokambirana - kulengeza zokhumba za munthu ndi kuteteza maganizo ake pamene zokonda ndi ziyembekezo zosiyanasiyana ziwombana. Ena amaphunzira zimenezi kunja kwa banja lawo, m’malo opanda ngozi, monga kuntchito.
Mikangano ndi chikhalidwe chachikulu chodzipezera wekha
Mkazi yemwe akuchita bwino pantchito yake angazindikire: chifukwa chiyani sindimadzilemekeza ndekha kunyumba? Mwamuna amene amalandira chiyamikiro kuchokera kwa anzake kuntchito angadabwe kupeza kuti nthawi zonse si "chitsiru". Ndipo dzifunseni nokha: chifukwa chiyani kuntchito ndili ndi ufulu wokhala ndi maganizo, koma kunyumba pamaso pa mnzanga sindingathe kuumirira ndekha?
Ndipo pamapeto pake anthu amasonkhana molimba mtima ndipo mikangano imayamba. Mikangano ndi chikhalidwe chachikulu chodzipezera wekha. Ndipo mikangano yomwe yathetsedwa mwamtendere ndiye zabwino zathu zazikulu, koma zothetsedwa ndendende, ndiye kuti, zomwe sindinatulukemo osati wogwiriridwa, koma osatinso wogwiririra. Izi zimatchedwa luso la compromise.
Kodi maonekedwe a mnzathu, zochita zake zimatithandiza kudziona ndi kudzimvetsa tokha bwino?
Mwamuna ndi mkazi ndi amene amatsutsa wina ndi mnzake. Pamene ndingathe kudalira wolamulira wina kuti andiyang'ane ndikukhala galasi, makamaka ngati m'mbali zina za moyo sindidzidalira ndekha, ichi ndi chisangalalo chachikulu. Koma kokha pamene galasi ili silokhalo gwero la kudzidalira kwanga.
Ndipo ndikuganiza chiyani za ine ndekha? Kupatula apo, galasi lomwe limandiwonetsa likhoza kukhala lokhota. Kapena kusakhala kalirole nkomwe, ndiko kuti, kungangosonyeza kuti ndife chimene sitili. Tonse timafunikira kuyang'ana mwaulemu, chidwi, tcheru kuchokera kwa munthu wachikondi: chifukwa chiyani mwachitira izi? Kodi ndikuvomereza izi? Kodi ndingakulemekezeni chifukwa cha ichi?
Chikondi chimatithandiza kuona umunthu wathu. Monga momwe Alfried Lenglet akunenera: “Timawona mwa winayo osati kokha chimene iye ali, komanso chimene iye angakhale, chimene chidakali chogona mwa iye. Kukongola uyu amene amagona. Timawona zomwe angakhale, timawona munthu mu kuthekera kwake. Kuzindikira n’kotheka popanda chikondi, koma kukhala maso kuli kokha kwa mtima wachikondi.
Kodi tingadziwe bwanji chikondi chenicheni?
Pali muyeso umodzi wokhazikika koma wolondola. Pafupi ndi iye amene amakonda, titha kukhala tokha, sitiyenera kudziyesa, kulungamitsa, kutsimikizira, kugwada pansi pazoyembekeza. Mutha kungokhala nokha ndikulola wina kukhala.