Chifukwa chiyani sindikumva kalikonse?

"Ndipo mukuganiza kuti ndiyenera kumva bwanji?" - ndi funso ili, bwenzi langa Lina wazaka 37 anamaliza nkhani ya momwe anakangana ndi mwamuna wake pamene ankamuimba mlandu wopusa ndi ulesi. Ndinalingalira za izo (mawu oti “ndiyenera” sagwirizana bwino ndi malingaliro) ndipo ndinafunsa mosamalitsa kuti: “Mukumva bwanji?” Inali nthawi ya nzanga kuganiza. Atapuma pang’ono, ananena modabwa kuti: “Zikuwoneka ngati palibe. Kodi izi zikuchitika kwa inu?"

Zoonadi zimatero! Koma osati tikamakangana ndi mwamuna wanga. Zomwe ndimamva panthawi ngati izi, ndikudziwa motsimikiza: mkwiyo ndi mkwiyo. Ndipo nthawi zina mantha, chifukwa ndimaganiza kuti sitingathe kukhazikitsa mtendere, ndiyeno tidzasiyana, ndipo lingaliro ili limandiwopsyeza. Koma ndimakumbukira bwino lomwe kuti pamene ndinkagwira ntchito pa wailesi yakanema ndipo abwana anga anandikalipira, sindinamve kalikonse. Kungotengeka zero. Ndinkanyadiranso. Ngakhale ndizovuta kutcha kumverera uku kukhala kosangalatsa.

Palibe kutengeka konse? Sizichitika! anatsutsa zamaganizo banja Elena Ulitova. Kutengeka maganizo ndi mmene thupi limachitira ndi kusintha kwa chilengedwe. Zimakhudza kukhudzika kwa thupi, ndi kudziwonetsera nokha, komanso kumvetsetsa momwe zinthu zilili. Mwamuna kapena bwana wokwiya ndikusintha kwakukulu kwa chilengedwe, sikungawonekere. Ndiye bwanji kutengeka mtima sikuwuka? “Timalephera kukhudza malingaliro athu, ndipo chotero zimawonekera kwa ife kuti palibe malingaliro,” akufotokoza motero katswiri wa zamaganizo.

Ndiye sitikumva kalikonse? "Ayi," Elena Ulitova amandiwongoleranso. Timamva chinachake ndipo tingachimvetse potsatira machitidwe a thupi lathu. Kodi kupuma kwanu kwawonjezeka? Pamphumi pali thukuta? Kodi munali misozi m'maso mwanu? Manja okulungidwa nkhonya kapena miyendo dzanzi? Thupi lanu likufuula, "Ngozi!" Koma simungadutse chizindikiro ichi mu chidziwitso, pomwe chingagwirizane ndi zomwe zidachitika kale ndikutchedwa mawu. Choncho, subjectively, inu kukumana boma zovuta, pamene zochita zabuka kukumana chopinga pa njira kuzindikira awo, monga kusowa maganizo. N’chifukwa chiyani zimenezi zikuchitika?

Kulemera kwambiri

N’kutheka kuti n’kovuta kwambiri kwa munthu amene ali ndi chidwi ndi mmene akumvera kuti adutse mawu akuti “sindifuna”? "Mwachiwonekere, malingaliro sikuyenera kukhala maziko okhawo opangira zisankho," akulongosola psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “Koma m’nthaŵi zovuta, pamene makolo alibe nthaŵi yomvetsera malingaliro awo, ana amapeza uthenga wobisika wakuti: “Nkhani imeneyi ndi yowopsa, ingawononge miyoyo yathu.”

Chimodzi mwa zifukwa za kusamvera ndi kusowa kwa maphunziro. Kumvetsetsa malingaliro anu ndi luso lomwe silingakulitsidwe.

Svetlana Krivtsova anati: “Pazimenezi, mwana amafunikira chichirikizo cha makolo ake, koma ngati alandira chizindikiro kuchokera kwa iwo chakuti maganizo ake sali ofunika, sasankha chilichonse, saganiziridwa, ndiye amasiya kumverera, ndiko kuti, amasiya kuzindikira malingaliro ake.

Inde, achikulire sachita izi mwachipongwe: “Ichi ndicho chodabwitsa cha mbiri yathu: kwa nthaŵi zonse, anthu anali kutsogozedwa ndi mfundo yakuti “kusanenepa ndikanakhala ndi moyo.” Munthawi yomwe muyenera kupulumuka, kumverera ndikwabwino. Ngati tikumva, titha kukhala osagwira ntchito, osachita zomwe tikuyenera kuchita. ”

Kusowa kwa nthawi ndi mphamvu za makolo kumabweretsa mfundo yakuti timatengera kusamvera kwachilendo kumeneku. "Zitsanzo zina zimalephera kutengera," wochiritsayo adanong'oneza bondo. "Tikangoyamba kupumula pang'ono, zovuta, kusakhazikika, komanso mantha zimatikakamiza kuti tigwirizane ndikuwulutsa "chitani zomwe muyenera" ngati njira yokhayo yolondola."

Ngakhale funso losavuta: "Kodi mukufuna pie?" kwa ena ndi kudzimva kukhala wopanda pake: "Sindikudziwa." Ndicho chifukwa chake kuli kofunika kuti makolo afunse mafunso («Kodi zimakoma kwa inu?») ndi kufotokoza moona mtima zomwe zikuchitika ndi mwanayo («Muli ndi malungo», «Ndikuganiza kuti mukuwopa», «Inu mungakonde izi») ndi ena. (“Abambo akwiya”).

Zosamveka za Dictionary

Makolo amamanga maziko a mawu omwe, m'kupita kwa nthawi, adzalola ana kufotokoza ndi kumvetsetsa zomwe adakumana nazo. Pambuyo pake, ana adzafananiza zomwe adakumana nazo ndi nkhani za anthu ena, ndi zomwe amawona m'mafilimu ndikuwerenga m'mabuku ... Umu ndi momwe mapulogalamu abanja amagwirira ntchito: zochitika zina zimavomerezedwa, zina sizivomerezedwa.

“Banja lililonse lili ndi mapulogalamu akeake,” akupitiriza motero Elena Ulitova, “amasiyananso malinga ndi jenda la mwana. Anyamata nthawi zambiri amaletsedwa chirichonse chomwe chikugwirizana ndi kufooka: chisoni, mkwiyo, kutopa, chifundo, chisoni, mantha. Koma mkwiyo, chisangalalo, makamaka chisangalalo cha chigonjetso chimaloledwa. Kwa atsikana, nthawi zambiri zimakhala zosiyana - kusungirana chakukhosi kumaloledwa, kukwiya ndi koletsedwa.

Kuphatikiza pa zoletsedwa, palinso malamulo: atsikana amalembedwa kuleza mtima. Ndipo amaletsa, motero, kudandaula, kulankhula za ululu wawo. “Agogo anga aakazi ankakonda kubwereza kuti: “Mulungu anapirira natilamulira,” akukumbukira motero Olga wazaka 50 zakubadwa. - Ndipo mayi modzikuza ananena kuti pa kubadwa iye «sanapange phokoso. Pamene ndinabala mwana wanga wamwamuna woyamba, ndinayesera kuti ndisakuwe, koma sindinapambane, ndipo ndinali ndi manyazi kuti sindinakumane ndi "bar set bar".

Itanani mayina awo

Poyerekeza ndi momwe amaganizira, aliyense wa ife ali ndi "njira yakeyake yakumvera" yokhudzana ndi chikhulupiliro. “Ndili ndi ufulu wa malingaliro ena, koma osati kwa ena, kapena ndili ndi ufulu pamikhalidwe ina,” akufotokoza motero Elena Ulitova. — Mwachitsanzo, mukhoza kukwiyira mwana ngati ali ndi mlandu. Ndipo ngati ndikhulupirira kuti iye alibe mlandu, mkwiyo wanga ukhoza kuumitsidwa kapena kusintha kumene ndikupita. Itha kulunjika kwa inu nokha: "Ndine mayi woyipa!" Amayi onse ali ngati amayi, koma ine sindingathe kutonthoza mwana wanga.

Mkwiyo ukhoza kubisala kumbuyo kwa chakukhosi - aliyense ali ndi ana abwinobwino, koma ndapeza uyu, akukalipa ndi kukuwa. "Mlengi wa kusanthula malonda, Eric Berne, ankakhulupirira kuti mkwiyo kulibe," akukumbukira Elena Ulitova. - Ichi ndi «cholowera» kumverera; timafunika kuugwiritsa ntchito pokakamiza ena kuchita zomwe tikufuna. Ndakhumudwa, choncho uyenera kudziimba mlandu ndipo mwanjira ina ukonze zinthu.”

Sitingathe kungosintha malingaliro ena ndi ena, komanso kusintha zochitika zosiyanasiyana pamlingo wowonjezera-kuchotsera. “Tsiku lina mwadzidzidzi ndinazindikira kuti ndinalibe chimwemwe,” akuvomereza motero Denis wazaka 22, “kunagwa chipale chofeŵa, ndipo ndinalingalira kuti: “ Kudzakhala kotayirira, kudzakhala kotayirira. Tsiku linayamba kuwonjezeka, ndikuganiza kuti: "Ndidikire kwanthawi yayitali bwanji, kuti ziwonekere!"

"Maganizo athu" nthawi zambiri amatengera chisangalalo kapena chisoni. “Zifukwa zingakhale zosiyana, kuphatikizapo kusowa kwa mavitamini kapena mahomoni,” akutero Elena Ulitova, “koma kaŵirikaŵiri vutoli limachitika chifukwa cha kuleredwa. Ndiyeno, mutazindikira mkhalidwewo, sitepe yotsatira ndiyo kudzipatsa chilolezo cha kudzimva.

Sikuti kukhala ndi "zabwino" zomverera. Kukhoza kukhala ndi chisoni n’kofunika mofanana ndi kusangalala. Ndizokhudza kukulitsa zochitika zambiri. Ndiye sitidzayenera kupanga «pseudonyms», ndipo tidzatha kutchula kumverera ndi mayina awo enieni.

Kutengeka kwambiri

Kungakhale kulakwa kuganiza kuti kuthekera «kuzimitsa» kumverera nthawi zonse zimachitika ngati kulakwitsa, chilema. Nthawi zina amatithandiza. Panthawi ya ngozi yakufa, ambiri amamva dzanzi, mpaka kuganiza kuti "sindili pano" kapena "chilichonse chikuchitika osati kwa ine." Ena «amamva kanthu» mwamsanga pambuyo imfa, anasiya yekha kulekana kapena imfa ya wokondedwa.

“Apa si kumverera koteroko komwe kwaletsedwa, koma kuzama kwa malingaliro amenewa,” akufotokoza motero Elena Ulitova. "Chidziwitso champhamvu chimayambitsa chisangalalo champhamvu, chomwe chimaphatikizapo zoletsa zoteteza." Umu ndi momwe njira zachidziwitso zimagwirira ntchito: zosapiririka zimaponderezedwa. M'kupita kwa nthawi, zinthu sizidzakhala zovuta kwambiri, ndipo kumverera kumayamba kudziwonetsera.

Tikhoza kuopa kuti malingaliro ena amphamvu angatifooketse ngati titawalola kuti atuluke ndipo sitingathe kupirira nawo. “Nthaŵi ina ndinathyola mpando mokwiya ndipo tsopano ndikukhulupirira kuti ndikhoza kuvulaza munthu amene ndamukwiyirayo. Chifukwa chake, ndimayesetsa kudziletsa komanso kusaulula mkwiyo, "anavomereza Andrei wazaka 32.

Maria wazaka 42 anati: “Ndili ndi lamulo lakuti: musayambe kukondana. “Nthaŵi ina ndinakonda mwamuna wosakumbukira, ndipo iye, ndithudi, anandiswa mtima. Chifukwa chake ndimapewa kucheza ndi anthu ndipo ndimakhala wosangalala. ” Mwina sizoipa ngati titaya malingaliro omwe sitingathe kuwapirira?

Chifukwa chiyani mumamva

Njira yodzipatula kumalingaliro imaperekedwa pazochitika zadzidzidzi, sizinapangidwe kuti zigwiritsidwe ntchito kwa nthawi yayitali. Ngati nthawi zonse timapondereza kumverera kumodzi, ndiye kuti ena amafooka, mithunzi imatayika, moyo wamalingaliro umakhala wovuta. Svetlana Krivtsova anati: “Maganizo a anthu amasonyeza kuti tili ndi moyo. - Popanda iwo n'zovuta kupanga chisankho, kumvetsetsa maganizo a anthu ena, zomwe zikutanthauza kuti n'zovuta kulankhulana. Inde, ndipo kukhala wopanda pake m’maganizo pakokha kuli kowawa. Choncho, ndi bwino kukhazikitsanso kukhudzana ndi «otaika» kumverera mwamsanga.

Ndiye funso lakuti "Ndiyenera kumva bwanji?" bwino kuposa zosavuta «Sindikumva chilichonse." Ndipo, modabwitsa, pali yankho kwa ilo - "chisoni, mantha, mkwiyo kapena chisangalalo." Akatswiri a zamaganizo amakangana za kuchuluka kwa "malingaliro ofunikira" omwe tili nawo. Ena amaphatikizapo mndandandawu, mwachitsanzo, kudzidalira, komwe kumaonedwa kuti ndi chibadwa. Koma aliyense amavomereza mfundo zinayi zimene tatchulazi: maganizo amenewa ndi amene mwachibadwa timamva.

Chifukwa chake ndikupangira kuti Lina alumikizane ndi vuto lake ndi chimodzi mwazofunikira. Chinachake chimandiuza kuti sadzasankha chisoni kapena chisangalalo. Monga m’nkhani yanga ndi abwanawo, tsopano ndikhoza kuvomereza kwa ine ndekha kuti ndinamva mkwiyo panthaŵi imodzimodziyo monga mantha amphamvu amene analetsa mkwiyo kusonyeza.