Banja langwiro? Uyu kulibe

Tingonena nthawi yomweyo: palibe amene amakhulupirira banja labwino. Komabe, sichifukwa cha izi kuti tasiya lingaliro la "banja labwino" lomwe liripo m'maloto athu ndipo, monga lamulo, ndilosiyana kwambiri ndi "pachimake" cha banja lomwe tinakuliramo kapena momwe ife tinakulira. tinamangidwa mozizungulira tokha. Aliyense amatengera lingaliro ili molingana ndi zomwe adakumana nazo pamoyo wake. Kumatitsogolera ku chikhumbo chokhala ndi banja lopanda zolakwa, lomwe limakhala pothaŵirapo ku dziko lakunja.

"Choyenera ndichofunika, ndi injini yomwe imatithandiza kupita patsogolo ndikukula," akufotokoza motero Robert Neuburger, wolemba The Couple: Myth and Therapy. "Koma samalani: ngati bala ndi yokwera kwambiri, pakhoza kubuka zovuta." Timapereka chitsogozo ku nthano zinayi zazikulu zomwe zimalepheretsa ana kukula ndi akuluakulu kuti azichita ntchito yawo popanda kulakwa komanso kukayikira.

Bodza 1. Kumvetsetsana kumalamulira nthawi zonse m'banja labwino.

Palibe amene amakhumudwitsa, aliyense ali wokonzeka kumvetserana wina ndi mzake, kusamvana kulikonse kumachotsedwa nthawi yomweyo. Palibe amene amamenya zitseko, palibe vuto kapena kupsinjika.

Chithunzichi ndi chokopa. Chifukwa lero, mu nthawi ya maubwenzi ogwedezeka kwambiri ndi maubwenzi m'mbiri ya anthu, mkanganowo umawoneka ngati woopsya, wokhudzana ndi kusamvetsetsana ndi zosiya, choncho ndi kuphulika kotheka mkati mwa banja limodzi kapena banja.

Choncho, anthu amayesetsa kupewa chilichonse chimene chingayambitse mikangano. Timakambirana, timakambirana, titaya mtima, koma sitikufuna kukumana ndi mavutowo. Izi ndi zoipa, chifukwa mikangano imachiritsa maubwenzi ndikulola aliyense kuweruzidwa malinga ndi udindo wake ndi kufunika kwake.

Mkangano uliwonse woponderezedwa umayambitsa ziwawa, zomwe zimadzetsa kuphulika kapena zotsatira zina zosasangalatsa.

For most parents, communicating with a child means talking a lot. Too many words, explanations, a million repetitions nevertheless lead to the opposite result: children generally cease to understand anything. «Smooth» communication is also carried out by non-verbal language, that is, gestures, silence and just presence.

M’banja, monganso m’banja, sikofunikira n’komwe kuuzana chilichonse. Makolo amakumana ndi ana awo m'maganizo ndi m'mawu monga umboni wa kukhudzidwa kwenikweni. Ana nawonso amadzimva kuti ali m’maunansi oterowo, mpaka kufika pochita zinthu monyanyira (monga mankhwala ozunguza bongo) zimene zimasonyeza kufunikira kwawo kwakukulu kwa kupatukana. Mikangano ndi mikangano zikanawathandiza kupeza mpweya wambiri ndi ufulu.

Bodza 2. Aliyense amakondana

Nthawi zonse pali mgwirizano ndi ulemu; zonsezi zimasandutsa nyumba yanu kukhala malo amtendere.

Tikudziwa kuti malingaliro ali ndi chikhalidwe chosagwirizana, mwachitsanzo, kupikisana ndi gawo la chikondi, komanso mkwiyo, mkwiyo kapena udani ...

Ndiyeno, zosoŵa ziwiri zosiyana nthawi zambiri zimachitika m’banja: chikhumbo chokhala pamodzi ndi kudziimira paokha. Kupeza kulinganiza koyenera, ngakhale osadziweruza nokha kapena ena, ndiko kutenga sitepe yofunika kwambiri yopezera ufulu ndi kulemekezana.

Moyo wolumikizana nthawi zambiri umakhala ndi mikhalidwe yomwe ili pachiwopsezo chachikulu. Mwachitsanzo, iwo amati: “Ndili ndi ana aluso ndiponso okoma mtima ngati kuti banja ndi kalabu yozikidwa pa unansi wa mamembala ake. Komabe, simuli okakamizika kukonda ana chifukwa cha makhalidwe awo abwino kapena kusangalala nawo, muli ndi ntchito imodzi yokha monga kholo, kuwafotokozera malamulo a moyo ndi zochitika zabwino kwambiri za izo (zonse zotheka).

In the end, a “cute” and “cute” child can turn into a completely unsympathetic one. Are we going to stop loving him because of this? Such «sentimentalization» of the family can be fatal for everyone.

Nthano 3. Ana samadzudzulidwa.

Simufunikanso kulimbikitsa ulamuliro wanu, palibe chifukwa cha chilango, mwanayo amaphunzira mosavuta malamulo onse. Amavomereza zoletsedwa ndi makolo ake, chifukwa amamvetsetsa mwachidwi kuti zimamuthandiza kukula.

Nthano imeneyi ndi yamphamvu kwambiri moti munthu sangafe. Pagulu sadziwa, lingaliro liri lamoyo kuti kulera koyenera ndi chiwonetsero chochepa chaulamuliro. Kumayambiriro kwa nthano iyi pali lingaliro lakuti mwana poyamba ali ndi zigawo zonse zofunika pa moyo wa munthu wamkulu: ndi zokwanira "kuwadyetsa bwino", ngati kuti tikukamba za chomera chomwe sichifuna chisamaliro chapadera.

This approach is destructive because it overlooks the parent’s «transmission duty» or «broadcasting». The task of the parent is to explain to the child the rules and boundaries before they are invested in him, in order to “humanize” and “socialize” them, in the words of Françoise Dolto, the pioneer of child psychiatry. In addition, children very early recognize parental guilt and skillfully manipulate them.

Kuopa kusokoneza mgwirizano wa banja mwa kukangana ndi mwana kumathera m'mbali kwa makolo, ndipo ana amagwiritsira ntchito mantha ameneŵa mwaluso. Zotsatira zake ndi zachinyengo, kukangana ndi kutaya ulamuliro wa makolo.

Bodza 4. Aliyense ali ndi mwayi wodziwonetsera yekha.

Chitukuko chamunthu ndichofunika kwambiri. Banja siliyenera kukhala "malo omwe amaphunzira", komanso liyenera kutsimikizira kuti aliyense ali ndi moyo.

Equation imeneyi ndi yovuta kuthetsa chifukwa, malinga ndi Robert Neuburger, munthu wamakono wachepetsa kwambiri kulolera kwake kukhumudwa. Kunena zowona, kusakhalapo kwa ziyembekezo zokwezeka ndi chimodzi mwa mikhalidwe ya moyo wabanja wachimwemwe. Banja lakhala maziko amene ayenera kutsimikizira chimwemwe cha onse.

Chodabwitsa n’chakuti, mfundo imeneyi imamasula achibale ku udindo. Ndikufuna kuti chilichonse chiziyenda chokha, ngati kuti ulalo umodzi mu unyolo ukhoza kugwira ntchito pawokha.

If everyone is happy, this is a good family, if the machine of happiness is acting up, it is bad. Such a view is a source of perpetual doubt. What is the antidote for this poisonous «happily ever after» concept?

Musaiwale kuti kwa ana, banja ndi malo omwe amafunika kuphunzira kudzipatula kuti awuluke pa mapiko awo. Ndipo mungafune bwanji kuwuluka pachisa ngati chikhumbo chilichonse chikukwaniritsidwa, koma palibe chomwe chimalimbikitsa?

Family expansion — a possible challenge

If you have made a second attempt to start a family, you need to free yourself from the pressure of «ideals». However, experts believe that in most cases the opposite happens, and the tension only grows, and the pressure becomes unbearable for both children and parents. The former do not want to feel responsible for failures, the latter deny the difficulties. We offer several ways to keep pressure under control.

1. Dzipatseni nthawi. Dzidziweni nokha, pezani malo anu ndikutenga gawo lanu, yendani pakati pa ana, adzukulu, makolo, agogo, pamayendedwe anuanu komanso osauza aliyense. Kuthamangira nthawi zambiri kungayambitse mikangano ndi kusamvana.

2. Kulankhula. Sikofunikira (komanso osavomerezeka) kunena zonse, koma ndikofunikira kukhala omasuka pazomwe mukuganiza kuti "sizikugwira ntchito" m'mabanja. Kubwezeretsanso banja kumatanthauza kusankha kufotokoza kukaikira kwanu, mantha, zonena, mkwiyo kwa wokondedwa wanu… Ngati mutasiya zomwe mwasiya, izi zitha kuwononga maubwenzi ndikuyambitsa kusamvana.

3. Ulemu ndi mutu wa chilichonse. M’banja, makamaka ngati langopangidwa kumene (mwamuna/mkazi watsopano), palibe amene ali wokakamizika kukonda mamembala ake onse, koma m’pofunika kulemekezana. Izi ndi zomwe zingachiritse ubale uliwonse.

4. Pewani kufananiza. Kuyerekeza moyo wabanja watsopano ndi wakale n’kopanda phindu komanso koopsa, makamaka kwa ana. Kulera kumatanthauza kupeza njira zatsopano zopangira nzeru ndi chiyambi, makhalidwe awiri ofunikira m'banja latsopano.

5. Pemphani chithandizo. Ngati mukuwona kuti simukumvetsetsani kapena mukukhumudwitsidwa, muyenera kuonana ndi dokotala, katswiri wodziwa za ubale wabanja, kapena woyimira milandu. Dzitetezeni ku khalidwe lolakwika loti mutengerepo komanso kuzinthu zomwe zingakuipitseni.

Kodi nthano ndi yotani?

Lingaliro la banja loyenera ndilofunika, ngakhale kuti limapweteka. Tili ndi nthano zonena za banja loyenera m'mitu yathu. Timamanga maubale kuti tizindikire, ndipo panthawiyo timapeza kuti zabwino za chimodzi sizikugwirizana ndi zina. Zikuoneka kuti kuganiza za banja labwino si njira yabwino!

Komabe, tikadapanda kukhala ndi nthano imeneyi, maubwenzi athu ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo sangakhale omveka ndipo amatha mpaka usiku umodzi. Chifukwa chiyani? Chifukwa kumverera kwa "ntchito" yomwe ingapangidwe pamodzi kukanakhala kukusowa.

"Tikuyesera kukwaniritsa maloto athu abwino a banja, omwe angayambitse mabodza komanso mikangano," akutero katswiri wa zamaganizo Boris Tsiryulnik. “Ndipo tikalephera, timakwiya ndipo timaimba mlandu mnzathuyo. Timafunikira nthawi yayitali kuti timvetsetse kuti zoyenera nthawi zambiri zimanyenga ndipo pakadali pano ungwiro sungapezeke.

Mwachitsanzo, ana sangakule popanda banja, koma akhoza kukulira m’banja ngakhale zitakhala zovuta. Zodabwitsazi zimagwiranso ntchito kwa okwatirana: lingaliro lachitetezo lomwe limapereka limapangitsa kuti tikhale athanzi komanso kuchepetsa nkhawa. Kumbali ina, moyo pamodzi ukhoza kukhala chopinga kwa ambiri panjira yodzizindikiritsa. Kodi zimenezi zikutanthauza kuti chikhumbo chathu chokhala ndi banja labwino n’chofunika kwambiri kuposa zopweteka?