Kukhala Mayi Wabwino Wokwanira: Zimakhala Bwanji?

Chaka choyamba cha moyo ndi mwana wofunidwa komanso woyembekezeredwa kwa nthawi yayitali chidakhala chovuta kwa Natalya wazaka 35. Anadzimva kuti ali ndi udindo waukulu: “Ndithudi! Ndipotu, ndinali munthu wamkulu ndipo ndinkawerenga mabuku ambiri onena za umayi wozindikira, ndinkadziwa zambiri za kulera zomwe makolo anga sankazidziwa! Ndinalibe ufulu wokhala mayi woipa!

Koma kuyambira tsiku loyamba zonse zidalakwika. Mwana wanga wamkazi analira kwambiri, ndipo sindinathe kumugoneka mwamsanga, ndinali wokwiya naye ndipo ndinadzikwiyira. Apongozi anawonjezera kutentha: “Munkafuna chiyani? Ndidazolowera kumangoganiza za ine ndekha, pano ndiwe mayi ndikuiwala wekha.

Ndinavutika kwambiri. Usiku ndinayimbira foni yothandizira ndikudandaula kuti sindingathe kupirira, mwana wanga wamkazi ali ndi mwezi umodzi, ndipo sindinasiyanitse mithunzi ya kulira kwake, zomwe zikutanthauza kuti ndili ndi chiyanjano choipa ndi iye ndi iye, kupyolera mu kulira kwake. kulakwa kwanga, sindidzakhala ndi chidaliro choyambirira padziko lapansi! M’maŵa, ndinaitana mnzanga wina wa mumzinda wina n’kunena kuti: “Ndine mayi wosadziwa kuti mwanayo akanakhala bwino popanda ine.

Zaka zisanu ndi ziwiri pambuyo pake, Natalya akukhulupirira kuti adatha kupulumuka chifukwa cha macheza a amayi achichepere komanso thandizo la psychotherapist: "Tsopano ndikumvetsetsa kuti chaka chino chidapangidwa gehena chifukwa cha zomwe ndimadziganizira, zomwe sindingathe kuziyembekezera, zomwe zidathandizidwa ndi asayansi. nthano yakuti kukhala mayi ndi chisangalalo ndi chisangalalo basi.”

Kudziwa zambiri zachisoni

Zikuwoneka kuti amayi amakono alandira ufulu wonse: okhawo amasankha momwe angalere ana. Zothandizira zambiri sizitha: mabuku okhudza maphunziro ali ndi masitolo, zolemba ndi maphunziro - intaneti. Koma kudziwa zambiri sikubweretsa mtendere, koma chisokonezo.

Pakati pa chisamaliro ndi kusamala mopitirira muyeso, kukoma mtima ndi chiyanjano, malangizo ndi kukakamiza, pali malire osadziwika bwino omwe makolo ayenera kumva nthawi zonse, koma bwanji? Kodi ndikadali wademokalase pazofuna zanga kapena ndikukakamiza mwanayo? Pogula chidolechi, kodi ndingakwaniritse zosowa zake kapena ndimuwononge? Mwa kundilola kusiya nyimbo, kodi ndikuchita ulesi wake, kapena kusonyeza ulemu kaamba ka zikhumbo zake zenizeni?

Pofuna kupatsa mwana wawo ubwana wokondwa, makolo amayesa kuphatikiza malingaliro otsutsana ndikuwona kuti akuchoka pa chithunzi cha amayi ndi abambo abwino.

“Funso ndilakuti: Kodi tikufuna kukhala abwino kwa ndani? - anati psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. - Mayi wina akuyembekeza kutsimikizira chinachake kwa gulu lake lapamtima, ndipo winayo amalota kukhala mayi wabwino kwa iyemwini ndikusamutsa ludzu lake la chikondi, lomwe linali losowa kwambiri muubwana, ku ubale ndi mwanayo. Koma ngati palibe chidziwitso chaumwini cha ubale wodalirika ndi amayi, ndipo kuchepa kwake kuli kwakukulu, m'manja mwa mwanayo pali zowawa ndi ntchito - chisamaliro chakunja, chogwira ntchito.

Ndiye mkaziyo amayesa kuonetsetsa kuti mwanayo akudyetsedwa ndi kusamalidwa, koma amataya kukhudzana kwenikweni ndi iye. Kwa anthu amene ali naye pafupi, iye ndi mayi wabwino kwambiri, koma ali ndi mwana amatha kumasuka, ndiyeno amadziimba mlandu. Kusiyanitsa pakati pa liwongo ndi udindo ndilo vuto lina limene makolo amakumana nalo nthaŵi zonse.

Kukhala pafupi…motani?

Kusasitsa ndi chitukuko cha mwana zimadalira kwathunthu mayi, malinga ndi Melanie Klein, amene anaima pa chiyambi cha mwana psychoanalysis. Lingaliro ili, lolimbikitsidwa ndi wofufuza zokhudzana ndi chiyanjano John Bowlby, lakhazikika kwambiri m'maganizo mwathu kotero kuti kuyesa kwa katswiri wa zamaganizo Donald Winnicott kumasula akazi ku udindo wolemetsa (iye adanena kuti mayi "wabwino" ndi "wodzipereka wamba" ndi woyenera kwa amayi. mwana) sanachite bwino. Azimayi ali ndi mafunso atsopano kwa iwo okha: kodi muyeso wa kukwanira uku ndi chiyani? Kodi ndili bwino monga ndikufunikira?

“Winnicott analankhula za kuthekera kwachibadwa kwa amayi kumva khanda ndi kukhutiritsa zosoŵa zake, ndipo zimenezi sizifunikira chidziŵitso chapadera,” akufotokoza motero Svetlana Fedorova. "Mkazi akakumana ndi mwana, amayankha mwachidwi zizindikiro zake."

Choncho, chikhalidwe choyamba cha «ubwino» ndi chabe kukhala thupi pafupi ndi mwanayo, osati kutha kwa nthawi yaitali, kuyankha kuitana kwake ndi kufunikira kwa chitonthozo kapena chakudya, ndipo motero kumupatsa kulosera, bata ndi chitetezo.

Mkhalidwe wina ndi kukhalapo kwa wachitatu. “Ponena kuti mayi ayenera kukhala ndi moyo waumwini, Winnicott ankalingalira za unansi wakugonana pakati pa mayi ndi atate wa mwanayo,” wopenda zamaganizoyo akupitiriza, “koma kwenikweni sikuli kugonana kochulukira kumene kuli kofunika monga kukhalapo kwa wina. machitidwe a maubwenzi, maubwenzi kapena maubwenzi. Popanda bwenzi, mayi amapeza pafupifupi chisangalalo chake chonse cha thupi kuchokera pakulankhulana kwakuthupi ndi mwana: kudyetsa, azakhali, kukumbatirana. Mlengalenga amapangidwa momwe mwanayo amakhala, titero, choloweza m'malo mwa chinthu chogonana ndipo amakhala pachiwopsezo cha "kugwidwa" ndi libido ya mayi.

Mpaka miyezi isanu ndi umodzi, mwanayo amafunikira chisamaliro chosalekeza cha amayi, koma kupatukana kuyenera kuchitika pang'onopang'ono. Mwanayo amapeza njira zina zachitonthozo pambali pa bere la mayi, zinthu zosinthira (nyimbo, zoseweretsa) zomwe zimamulola kuti adzitalikitse ndikupanga psyche yake. Ndipo amafunikira… zolakwa zathu.

Kulephera ndiye chinsinsi cha kupambana

Pophunzira za kuyanjana kwa amayi ndi ana a miyezi 6 mpaka 9, katswiri wa zamaganizo wa ku America Edward Tronick anawerengera kuti amayi "amagwirizanitsa" ndi mwanayo mu 30% ya milandu ndikuwerenga molondola zizindikiro zake (kutopa, kusakhutira, njala). Izi zimalimbikitsa mwanayo kuti apeze njira zothetsera kusiyana pakati pa pempho lake ndi zomwe mayiyo amachitira: amayesa kuti amvetsere, akhazikike yekha, asokonezeke.

Zochitika zoyamba izi zimayala maziko odziletsa komanso luso lothana ndi vuto. Komanso, pofuna kuteteza mwanayo ku zokhumudwitsa ndi zokhumudwitsa, amayi amalepheretsa kukula kwake modabwitsa.

"Sizingatheke kumvetsetsa nthawi yomweyo chifukwa chomwe mwana akulira," akugogomezera Svetlana Fedorova, "koma amayi omwe ali ndi malingaliro abwino sangadikire, amapereka njira yosadziwika: bere lake kapena pacifier. Ndipo akuganiza: adakhala chete, ndatha! Iye sanalole kuti ayang'ane njira zina zothetsera mavuto ndipo chifukwa chake anaika chiwembu chokhwima pa mwanayo: chakudya ndi njira yothetsera vuto lililonse.

Izi n’zimene Winnicott analemba ponena za: “Nthaŵi imafika pamene pamakhala kofunika kaamba ka mwana kuti amayi “alephere” m’zoyesayesa zake zozoloŵerana naye. Popanda kuyankha chizindikiro chilichonse cha khanda, posachita chilichonse chomwe amafunsa, mayi amakwaniritsa chosowa chake chofunikira kwambiri - kukulitsa luso lolimbana ndi zokhumudwitsa, kupeza bata ndi kudziyimira pawokha.

Dzidziweni nokha

Ngakhale podziwa kuti zolakwa zathu zamaphunziro sizidzawononga ana, ifenso timavutika nawo. "Mayi anga atandikalipila ndili mwana chifukwa cha zoseweretsa zosawoneka bwino kapena magiredi olakwika, ndimaganiza kuti: zowopsa kwambiri, sindidzachita mwanjira iyi ndi mwana wanga m'moyo wanga," akuvomereza motero Oksana, wazaka 34. "Koma sindiri kutali ndi amayi anga: ana samagwirizana, amamenyana, aliyense amafuna zake, ndimakhala pakati pawo ndipo nthawi zonse ndimakhumudwa."

Svetlana Fedorova anati: "Koma m'pofunika kuchita zimenezi, kapenanso kudziwa kuti mkwiyo ndi mantha athu ndi athu, osati kuchokera kunja, ndi kumvetsa zomwe zikugwirizana nazo."

Luso lodziganizira ndilo luso lalikulu, lomwe limatsimikizira udindo wa munthu wamkulu komanso kuthetsa mikangano, akuti katswiri wa zamaganizo Svetlana Krivtsova: yesetsani kugwira mfundo zamkati za mawu ake, zochita ndi zofuna zake. Ndiyeno chowonadi chosiyana ndi ichi chikhoza kubadwa pakati pa mwana ndi wamkulu.

Kulankhula moona mtima ndi inu nokha, kukhala ndi chidwi ndi ana, ndikuyesera kuwamvetsetsa-popanda chitsimikizo cha kupambana-ndizo zomwe zimapangitsa maubwenzi kukhala amoyo ndi ubereki wathu chidziwitso cha chitukuko chaumwini, osati ntchito ya chikhalidwe cha anthu.

Kupitilira mtunda - kupitirira

Mwanayo amakula, ndipo makolo amakhala ndi zifukwa zambiri zokayikira luso lawo. "Sindingathe kumukakamiza kuti aphunzire patchuthi," "nyumba yonse ili ndi masewera a maphunziro, ndipo amakhala m'zida," "ali wokhoza kwambiri, adawala m'masukulu a pulayimale, ndipo tsopano anasiya maphunziro ake. koma sindinaumirire, ndinaphonya nthawiyo” .

Kuti mukhale ndi chikondi chowerenga/nyimbo/masewera, pitani ku koleji ndikupeza luso lapadera… Mosadziwa, mosakayika timalota za tsogolo la ana ndikudziikira zolinga zapamwamba (komanso kwa iwo). Ndipo timadzinyoza tokha (ndi iwo) pamene zonse sizikuyenda momwe timafunira.

"Chikhumbo cha makolo kukulitsa luso la mwana, kumupatsa tsogolo labwino, kuphunzitsa zonse zomwe iwowo angachite, komanso chiyembekezo chakuwona zotsatira zabwino za zoyesayesa zawo, nzachibadwa, koma ... ndemanga katswiri wa zamaganizo a banja Dina Magnat. - Chifukwa chakuti mwanayo ali ndi makhalidwe aumwini ndi chifuniro chake, ndipo zokonda zake zimatha kusiyana kwambiri ndi za makolo ake.

Chifukwa chake, ndingatchule mayi wabwino wokwanira yemwe amakonzekeretsa mwana moyo wodziyimira pawokha. Pamafunika luso lopanga maubwenzi apamtima ndi kupanga zosankha, kupeza ndalama komanso kukhala ndi udindo wosamalira ana anu.”

Kodi nchiyani chimene chimathandiza mwana, ndiyeno wachinyamata, kuphunzira zonsezi? Zochitika zaubwenzi wodalirika ndi makolo, malinga ndi zaka, pamagulu onse akukula. Pamene apereka ufulu molingana ndi mphamvu zawo ndi chithandizo malinga ndi zosowa; pamene aona, kumva, ndi kuzindikira. Izi ndi zomwe kholo labwino liri. Zina zonse ndi tsatanetsatane, ndipo zikhoza kukhala zosiyana kwambiri.