Kodi kupatukana kwakanthawi kungapulumutse banja?

Evgeniy, wazaka 38

"Ndinkayembekezera kuti titatha kukambirana ndi mkazi wanga, zonse zidzapita m'mbuyo ndikuiwalika, koma pamapeto pake ndinayenera kuvomereza "kukhala padera" ndi "kugwira ntchito pa maubwenzi" ... patali. Bwanji ndimangomufunsa za chibwenzichi? Ndikuwopa kuti ndi mafunso anga omwe adapangitsa kuti tisiyane.

Ndimangoyang'ana zonsezi m'mutu mwanga, nthawi zina zimawoneka kwa ine kuti zonse zikhala bwino, koma mphindi yotsatira ndimayamba kuganiza, mkazi wanga akuchita chiyani pano ndipo tinganene kuti tikugwira ntchito paubwenzi. ? Vutoli likuwoneka kuti likusintha kukhala tsoka, ndipo ngati mpaka pano m'mutu mwanga.

Kuchokera kunja, chirichonse chikuwoneka kuti sichoipa: timachirikiza chithunzi cha "banja losangalala". Timasinthana kusamalira mwana, ndimatsuka m’nyumba, ndipo kamodzi pa mlungu timakhala ndi “tsiku labanja”, limene nthawi zina limakhala tsiku locheza.

Ndinayamba kumvetsera kwambiri mkazi wanga. Koma mu kuya kwa ubale wathu, sikuti zonse zimakhala zosalala. Kodi tingapulumutse bwanji banja ngati sitili limodzi? Kodi n'zotheka kubwezeretsa ubwenzi mwa kukhala patali?

Andrew J. Marshall, wochiritsira banja

Ndikufuna kusintha funso lanu "Kodi tingapulumutse bwanji banja ngati sitili limodzi?" ndi kufunsa mosiyana: “Kodi ukwati wanu udzapulumutsa kubweranso kwa bwenzi lodzimva kukhala wa liwongo? Nanga bwanji za machenjerero ena zikwizikwi—kuchedwetsa chosankha kufikira pambuyo pake, kunyalanyaza, kuyesera kusokonezedwa ndi chinthu china?

Sindine wothandizira maulendo osakhalitsa, ndizowona. Koma panthawi imodzimodziyo, sindine wothandizira kunyalanyaza zokhumba za wina ndi mzake. Choncho, ngati wapereka lingaliro, m’pomveka kukhala ndi chidwi ndi kulikambirana. Ndiyeno, ngati mutsatira malangizo asanu ndi limodzi otsatirawa, simungapulumutse banja lanu, komanso kuti likhale labwino.

1. Konzekerani zonse moyenera

M'malo moponya malingaliro onse osafunikira m'mutu mwanu, yang'anani kukambirana mwatsatanetsatane momwe chilichonse chidzagwirira ntchito panthawi yopatukana. Osayang'ana njira zotsimikizira kuti mnzanuyo wapereka chisankho cholakwika, m'malo mwake funsani mafunso: chochita ndi ndalama? Muwawuza chiyani ana? Kodi mudzawonana kangati? Kodi mungapange bwanji nthawi imeneyi kukhala yolimbikitsa kwa nonse?

Lingaliro lofunikira pakupulumutsa banja. Yang'anani chidwi chanu pakuwongolera njira yolankhulirana, luso lomvetsera, chifukwa kufunikira kwawo kumawonjezeka pamene simukukhala pansi pa denga lomwelo. Ndikanena mwachidule lingaliro lalikulu monga ili: "Ndikhoza kupempha chinachake, mukhoza kunena kuti ayi, ndipo timatha kukambirana."

2. Yesetsani kumvetsa mmene munafikira pamenepa

Ngati mupeza kuti muli m’dzenje, chinthu chabwino kwambiri chimene mungachite ndicho kusiya kukumba. Ngati china chake chasweka muubwenzi wanu (ochepera kwa m'modzi wa inu), muyenera kufunsa mnzanuyo chifukwa chake ndikumvetsera, mverani zokangana zake.

Ganizirani za gawo lanu pavutoli, chifukwa ngakhale wina wanu wamkulu atakhala wosakhulupirika kwa inu - zomwe si vuto lanu - sakanatha kusiya mnzake wachikondi kukhala cholengedwa chozizira chakutali. N’chifukwa chiyani anakuikirani mtunda woterowo moti munthu wina angapeze malo?

Lingaliro lofunikira pakupulumutsa banja. Nthawi zonse mukakumana kapena kulemberana meseji kwa wokondedwa wanu, ganizirani: kodi pali njira ina iliyonse yonenera / kuchita izi? Pochita zomwezo monga kale, ndikupereka machitidwe akale, mudzapeza yankho lodziwika bwino, ndizo zonse. Ndikupangira kuti muchite zosiyana: ngati mukufuna kukhala chete ndikudzipatula, lankhulani. Ndipo ngati uti ulankhule ndi kutenga moyo wako, luma lilime lako.

3. Siyani mnzanuyo

Kupatukana kwakanthawi kumakhala kosathandiza chifukwa mnzawo yemwe amafunikira kudzilamulira amawona kuti sakupeza. Theka lachiwiri limawatumizira mameseji ndi mafoni ambiri tsiku lililonse, ndipo akabwera kudzatenga ana, amacheza kwa maola angapo m'nyumba.

Ndikudziwa kuti ndizovuta kwa omwe atsala, chifukwa ambiri ali ndi mantha "osawoneka, osaganiza" (ndipo ngati izi ndi zanu, ndiye kuti pali chifukwa china choti "ntchito" ya ukwati wanu). Komabe, mumakhala pachiwopsezo chotsimikizira mnzanuyo kuti atha kupeza ufulu weniweni pothetsa maubwenzi onse.

Lingaliro lofunikira pakupulumutsa banja. Ngati ndi inu amene mukuyang'ana ufulu ndipo simungathe kuupeza, yesani kukambirana za vutoli, osabwerera m'mbuyo (ndipo unilaterally ikani chikhalidwe ichi). Wokondedwayo adzamva ngati wochita nawo chisankho, ndipo zidzakhala zosavuta kuti avomereze. Mwachitsanzo, vomerezani kuti mudzakumana kamodzi pa sabata ndikuyankha uthenga umodzi patsiku.

Ngati ndinu munthu amene mukuvutika kuti mupulumutse banja lanu, chonde perekani mphamvu zanu zonse ndikudzisamalira nokha. Yesetsani kumvetsa chifukwa chake zimapweteka kwambiri maganizo opatukana—mwinamwake ali ndi zochita ndi ubwana wanu—ndipo fufuzani njira zina zothanirana ndi mavuto (m’malo mongolemberana makalata wokondedwa wanu).

Ukathamangitsa mnzako amathawa. Ngati mubwerera mmbuyo, mulimbikitseni (iye) kuti ayende kwa inu.

4. Osalingalira

Chomwe chimasokoneza kwambiri nthawi ya kusiyana kwakanthawi ndi kusatsimikizika. Kuti tidziteteze mwanjira ina, timayesetsa kulingalira zolinga za mnzako, kuganiza mozama zonse zomwe zingatheke ndikuwoneratu zotsatira zake. Zongopeka zotere zimatilanda zokumana nazo zochepa zomwe timakumana nazo, chifukwa chomwe timachita ndikutanthauzira zonse za mnzathuyo ndi chiyembekezo chowona zam'tsogolo.

Lingaliro lofunikira pakupulumutsa banja. Khalani ndi moyo wa lero, mphindi ino, m'malo modera nkhawa zam'mbuyomu kapena kuganizira zam'tsogolo. Kodi mukuyenda bwino lero? Mwina inde. Koma mukaganizira zimene zidzachitike pambuyo pake, mumayamba kuchita mantha. Chifukwa chake, nthawi iliyonse mukataya malo pansi pa mapazi anu, dzibweretseni nokha. Sangalalani ndikuwona kuchokera pawindo, kapu ya tiyi ndi mphindi zopumula mpaka ana atabwera kuchokera kusukulu. Mudzadabwa kuti mudzakhala omasuka bwanji.

5. Osaletsa kulephera

Ndakhala ndikulangiza maanja pafupifupi zaka makumi atatu, zomwe ndi makasitomala osachepera zikwi ziwiri, ndipo sindikudziwa aliyense amene sanalephere. Koma ndinakumana ndi anthu ambiri amene anali otsimikiza kuti zonse zidzawayendera bwino.

Pamene munthu woteroyo alandira nkhonya ya tsoka kapena adzipeza kuti ali pa mapeto a imfa, amaganiza kuti pali chilema chosatheka mwa iye kapena mu ubale wake (mmalo mochiwona ngati mbali ya zochitika zachilengedwe). Izi zimachitika makamaka makamaka pamene mnzanu amene ankafuna kukhala padera akuganiza kale za kubwerera, pamene ena, m'malo mwake, akuyamba mantha.

Kwa ine, monga psychotherapist, ichi ndi chizindikiro chabwino. Izi zikutanthauza kuti mnzake "wosiyidwa" ali wokonzeka kukambirana ndi kukambirana za zosowa zawo, ndipo osavomereza wachiwiri pazifukwa zilizonse ("akadabweranso"). Koma kwa okwatiranawo, kusinthaku kungakhale kosokoneza.

Lingaliro lofunikira pakupulumutsa banja. Zolephera zimakhala zowawa, koma sizikhala vuto ngati waphunzitsidwa chinachake. Kodi beat iyi ikuti chiyani? Ndi chiyani chomwe chiyenera kuchitidwa mosiyana? Ngati muli pachimake, mungabwerere bwanji kuti mukapeze njira ina?

6. Dikirani mpaka okondedwa anu akambirane zam'tsogolo

Ngati mumamufunsa nthawi zonse kuti, "Mukumva bwanji?", Izi sizimangokwiyitsa, komanso zimamukumbutsa kuti samakukondani kapena akufuna kukhala yekha. Choncho—ndikudziwa kuti n’zovuta, koma chonde dikirani mpaka adzakhale wokonzeka kukamba za m’tsogolo. Ntchito yanu ndi kukonza ubale wanu wapano.

Lingaliro lofunikira pakupulumutsa banja. Iyi ndi nthawi yovuta kwambiri ndipo mudzafunika thandizo (kuposa kuyembekezera kuti wokondedwa wanu anene kuti "zonse sizinataye"). Choncho funani chichirikizo kwa anzanu, achibale, mabuku abwino, mwinanso akatswiri. Mukukumana ndi vuto lalikulu m'moyo ndipo simuyenera kuthana nalo nokha.

Za Mlembi: Andrew J. Marshall ndi wothandizira mabanja komanso wolemba mabuku angapo, kuphatikiza I Love You, But I'm Not in Love with You and How Can I Trust You Again?