Ndemanga yodzudzula, ndemanga yachipongwe, uthenga woyipa… Kusagwirizana kumalowa muubwenzi mosazindikira ndipo kumakhala koyipa. Katswiri wamabanja a April Eldemir akudzipereka kuti aganizire vutoli mozama kwambiri ndipo amagawana malangizo amomwe mungasinthire kamvekedwe ka mawu olankhulirana kuchokera ku zoyipa kupita ku zabwino.
Sizovuta kulingalira momwe kusasamala kungawononge ubale. Malingana ndi katswiri wa zabanja April Eldemir, mbali ina ya vuto ndi yakuti timawona zitsanzo zambiri za kusagwirizana koipa kwa okwatirana, m'mafilimu ndi m'moyo weniweni. Anthu amang’ung’udza, kunyodola, kudzudzula, kapena kunena zoipa za anzawo—mndandandawo umaphatikizaponso “kungocheza.” Pakapita nthawi, khalidweli limayamba kuwoneka ngati labwinobwino.
Koma, ngakhale kuti kusagwirizana kuli kofala kwambiri, izi sizikutanthauza kuti mawonetseredwe oterewa ndi achilendo. Kafukufuku wathu komanso kafukufuku wasayansi akuwonetsa kuti kuyanjana kulikonse mumtsemphawu kumatha kukhala kovulaza ndikuwopseza kukhulupirika kwa ubale.
Malinga ndi Eldemir, tonsefe tiyenera kuganiza ngati kusasamala kukukhala maziko a moyo wabanja lathu. Akuganiza kuti aganizire ndendende zovuta zomwe zimabweretsa paubwenzi komanso zomwe zingachitike kuti "kusintha kwabwino".
Kodi kupotoza kolakwika ndi chiyani?
Kusagwirizana m'mabanja kumakhala ngati poizoni wapang'onopang'ono. Ngakhale “tinthu ting’ono” mobwerezabwereza tsiku ndi tsiku, mwezi ndi mwezi, chaka ndi chaka zimawononga malingaliro a unansi wakuthupi ndi wamaganizo pakati pa anthu ndi kutsegulira njira “okwera pamahatchi anayi” amene amawononga maunansi: kutsutsa, kunyozedwa, chidani ndi chinyengo. Pamapeto pake, zotsatira zoyipa za kusasamala zimatha kukhala zamphamvu kwambiri zomwe zimabweretsa tsoka.
Chifukwa chiyani nthawi zambiri zimakhala zovuta kwa ife ndi okondedwa? Chifukwa cha izi chikhoza kukhala kuphatikiza zinthu zosiyanasiyana - mwachitsanzo, chakuti ife:
- kugwira zidule zakale
- sitilankhula za zosowa zathu ndipo sitisamala za umoyo wathu wamaganizo ndi thupi,
- tili ndi ziyembekezo zopanda chilungamo kwa wokondedwa wathu,
- kudziwana bwino kuti "kukankha mabatani"
- kuwonetsa zopsinjika zathu kwa anzathu,
- titha kungoyamba kunyalanyaza mwamuna kapena mkazi wathu.
Mosasamala kanthu za chimene chimayambitsa, nkofunikira kukhala owona ponena za chiyambukiro chimene kusalingalira kungakhudze osati pa banja lathu lokha, komanso pa thanzi lathu mwa kukhala chizolowezi cha kaganizidwe ndi kachitidwe.
Mawu ndi zochita zoipa zingasangalatse maganizo athu, mitima ndi matupi athu kuposa zabwino.
Ambiri aife tili ndi "kupotoza koyipa". Chidziwitso ichi ndi chakuti timakonda kukumbukira zinthu zoipa m'malo mokumbukira zabwino. Poyankha kuyanjana koyipa, timakhala ndi machitidwe amphamvu komanso amthupi amthupi kusiyana ndi zabwino.
Ndicho chifukwa chake chipongwe chimodzi chikhoza kukhala ndi chiyambukiro champhamvu kwambiri kwa ife kuposa kuyamikira zisanu, ndi chifukwa chake tingagone usiku wonse kudutsa zochitika zosasangalatsa za moyo wathu m'malo mongoganizira zabwino. Tsoka ilo, tapangidwa mwachilengedwe komanso mwamakhalidwe kuti tizindikire zoyipa.
Ndiko kuti, mawu ndi zochita zoipa zingasangalatse maganizo athu, mitima, ndi matupi athu kuposa zabwino. Mtundu uwu wa "mapulogalamu" amalingaliro athu ukhoza kusokoneza malingaliro athu a wokondedwa wathu ndikutipanga ife akhungu ndi ogontha ku zabwino zonse zomwe angatipatse. Pa chifukwa chomwecho, nthawi zambiri timayiwala zinthu zabwino zimene tinakumana nazo limodzi. Pamapeto pake, zonsezi zingayambitse mavuto aakulu.
Momwe mungatetezere maubwenzi?
April Eldemir anati: “Simungathe kuthetsa vuto ngati simulidziwa. Izi zikutanthauza kuti njira yoyamba yochepetsera kusamvana m’banja ndi kuzindikira. "Samalani maganizo olakwika, mawu, malingaliro ndi khalidwe la mnzanuyo. Yesetsani kuwalemba mu diary kwa masiku angapo kuti mutha kuwayang'ana pambuyo pake ndi mawonekedwe atsopano komanso ndi gawo lodzidzudzula. Kuyesera kokhako kungakhale kokwanira kuti ayambe kusintha maganizo m'njira yabwino. Onetsetsani kuti mwafika nayo mwachidwi, osati kudziweruza nokha, ndikukhulupirira kuti nonse inu ndi mnzanu mukuchita zomwe mungathe. "
Nawa maupangiri akatswiri okuthandizani kuti banja lanu likhale lotetezeka ku zotsatira zoyipa za kusamvetsetsana ndikusintha kamvekedwe kaubwenzi.
- Khalani okoma mtima. Inde, inde, ndizosavuta - yambani ndi kukoma mtima. Perekani chiyamikiro chochokera pansi pamtima, lankhulani mokoma mtima za mnzanuyo kwa ena, mchitireni zabwino: mwachitsanzo, gulani kamphatso kakang'ono kapena kuphika chakudya chomwe mumakonda cha wokondedwa wanu "monga momwemo", monga momwe munachitira kale mutangoyamba chibwenzi. Chitani zabwino kapena zothandiza kwa mnzanu, ngakhale simukufuna. Zingathandizedi.
Samalani kwambiri zomwe zimakuthandizani kuti mukhale athanzi komanso kuthana ndi nkhawa
Kungakhale kothandiza kukumbukira zimene amati «chiŵerengero chamatsenga” chimene wofufuza John Gottman ananena kuti chimachitika m’mabanja osangalala. Njira yake ndi yosavuta: pakuchita chilichonse cholakwika, payenera kukhala zabwino zosachepera zisanu zomwe "zimalinganiza" kapena kuchepetsa zotsatira zosasangalatsa. April Eldemir akulimbikitsa kuyesa njira iyi muubwenzi uliwonse.
- Yesetsani kuyamikira. Mosamala lembani ndi kukambirana zimene mumayamikira m’banja lanu ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu.
- Phunzirani kukhululuka. Onse okondedwa anu ndi inu nokha. Ngati muli ndi mabala akale omwe akufunika kuthandizidwa, ganizirani kukaonana ndi dokotala.
- Dzisamalire. Samalirani kwambiri zinthu zomwe zimakuthandizani kuti mukhale athanzi komanso kuthana ndi nkhawa, kuphatikiza kuchita masewera olimbitsa thupi, kugona, kudya moyenera, ndikuchita zinthu zomwe zimakupangitsani kukhala osangalala komanso omasuka.
Maubwenzi osangalala amafuna ntchito. Ndipo ngati kuyang’ana panthaŵi yake pa vutolo, kugaŵana kudzidzudzula ndi “kuwongolera zolakwa” kudzathandiza kuletsa chiyambukiro chakupha cha malingaliro ndi zochita zoipa ndi kubwezera chisangalalo ndi chisangalalo m’banja, ndiye kuti ntchito imeneyi si yachabechabe.
Za wolemba: April Eldemir ndi wothandizira mabanja.