Pamene mwana ndi chikho

Pali zifukwa zambiri zomwe mmodzi wa ana amawakonda, koma wamkulu akhoza kusankhidwa - "wokondedwa" ali ngati mayi. Tangoganizani za mkazi wankhawa ndi wodzipatula yemwe ali ndi ana awiri - mmodzi wabata ndi womvera, wachiwiri wamphamvu, wosangalatsa, kuyesera nthawi zonse kuswa zoletsa. Ndi iti mwa iwo yomwe ingakhale yosavuta kuti iye aphunzitse?

Zimachitikanso kuti makolo ali ndi malingaliro osiyanasiyana kwa ana pazigawo zosiyanasiyana za chitukuko. Mwachitsanzo, n’zosavuta kwa mayi wopondereza komanso wopondereza kulera mwana wamng’ono kwambiri, chifukwa wamkuluyo amatha kale kusagwirizana ndi kukangana. Choncho, mwana wamng'ono nthawi zambiri amakhala mayi «amakonda». Koma nthawi zambiri uwu ndi udindo wanthawi yochepa chabe.

“M’zithunzi zakale kwambiri, mayi anga andigwira ngati chidole chonyezimira cha china. Sakuyang'ana ine, koma mwachindunji mu lens, chifukwa mu chithunzi ichi akuwonetsa zinthu zake zamtengo wapatali. Ndili ngati kagalu wosabadwa kwa iye. Kulikonse amavekedwa ndi singano - uta waukulu, chovala chokongola, nsapato zoyera. Ndimakumbukira bwino nsapato izi - ndimayenera kuonetsetsa kuti palibe malo nthawi zonse, ziyenera kukhala bwino. Zowona, pambuyo pake ndinayamba kusonyeza kudziimira ndipo, choipitsitsa koposa, ndinakhala ngati atate wanga, ndipo amayi anga sanakondwere nazo zimenezo. Anandiuza momveka bwino kuti sindinakule mmene ankafunira komanso mmene ankayembekezera. Ndipo ndinataya malo anga padzuwa.”

Si amayi onse amene amagwera mumsampha umenewu.

“Ndikayang’ana m’mbuyo, ndimaona kuti mayi anga anali ndi vuto lalikulu ndi mkulu wanga. Anafunika kuthandizidwa nthawi zonse, koma sindinatero. Ndiye palibe amene adadziwa kuti ali ndi vuto lodzikakamiza, matendawa adadziwika kale atakula, koma ndiye mfundo yake. Koma m’mbali zina zonse, amayi ankayesetsa kutichitira mofanana. Ngakhale kuti sankakhala nane nthawi yochuluka ngati mmene ankachitira ndi mchemwali wake, sindinkaona kuti akundichitira zinthu zopanda chilungamo.”

Koma izi sizimachitika m'mabanja onse, makamaka pankhani ya mayi yemwe ali ndi chidwi chofuna kuwongolera kapena kukhumudwa. M’mabanja oterowo, mwanayo amaonedwa monga chowonjezera cha mayi mwiniyo. Zotsatira zake, maubwenzi amakula molingana ndi njira zodziwikiratu. Mmodzi wa iwo ndimatcha "chikhodzodzo mwana".

Choyamba, tiyeni tikambirane mwatsatanetsatane mmene makolo amaonera ana.

Zotsatira za chithandizo chosagwirizana

N’zosadabwitsa kuti ana amakhudzidwa kwambiri ndi kuchitiridwa mosayenera kwa makolo awo. Chinthu chinanso ndi chochititsa chidwi - mkangano pakati pa abale ndi alongo, womwe umatengedwa kuti ndi "zachilendo", ukhoza kukhala ndi zotsatira zachilendo kwa ana, makamaka ngati kusagwirizana ndi makolo kumawonjezedwa ku "chodyera" ichi.

Kafukufuku wa akatswiri a zamaganizo Judy Dunn ndi Robert Plomin wasonyeza kuti kaŵirikaŵiri ana amasonkhezeredwa kwambiri ndi mmene makolo awo amaonera abale awo kusiyana ndi mmene amadzikondera okha. Malinga ndi kunena kwa iwo, “ngati mwana awona kuti amayi akusonyeza chikondi chowonjezereka ndi chisamaliro kwa mbale wake kapena mlongo wake, zimenezi zingawononge kwa iye ngakhale chikondi ndi chisamaliro chimene amamsonyeza kwa iye.”

Anthu anapangidwa mwachilengedwe kuti achitepo kanthu mwamphamvu ku zoopsa zomwe zingachitike. Timakumbukira bwino zochitika zoipa kuposa zosangalatsa ndi zosangalatsa. Ichi ndichifukwa chake kumakhala kosavuta kukumbukira momwe amayi adasangalalira ndi chisangalalo, kukumbatira mchimwene wako kapena mlongo wako - komanso momwe timamvera panthawi imodzimodzi, kuposa nthawi zomwe amamwetulira ndikuwoneka kuti akukondwera nanu. Pachifukwa chomwecho, kutukwana, kunyoza ndi kunyozedwa kuchokera kwa mmodzi wa makolo sikulipidwa ndi maganizo abwino achiwiri.

Kusagwirizana kwa makolo kumakhala ndi zotsatirapo zoipa zambiri pa mwanayo - kudzidalira kumachepa, chizolowezi chodzidzudzula chimakula, kukhudzika kumawonekera kuti munthu alibe ntchito komanso sakondedwa, pali chizolowezi cha khalidwe losayenera - umu ndi momwe mwana amayesa kukopa chidwi kwa iye yekha, chiopsezo cha kuvutika maganizo kumawonjezeka. Ndipo, ndithudi, unansi wa mwanayo ndi abale ake ukusokonekera.

Mwana akamakula kapena kuchoka panyumba ya makolo, ubale wokhazikika sungasinthe nthawi zonse. N'zochititsa chidwi kuti m'mabanja omwe munali okondedwa, mwayi wa kuvutika maganizo muuchikulire ukuwonjezeka osati mwa osakondedwa okha, komanso ana okondedwa.

"Zinali ngati kuti ndakhala pakati pa" nyenyezi ziwiri - mchimwene wanga wamkulu-wothamanga ndi mlongo wamng'ono-ballerina. Zilibe kanthu kuti ndinali wophunzira wowongoka A ndipo adapambana mphoto m'mipikisano ya sayansi, mwachiwonekere sizinali «zokongola» zokwanira amayi anga. Anandidzudzula kwambiri ndi maonekedwe anga. “Nyetulirani,” iye anabwerezabwereza motero, “n’kofunika kwambiri makamaka kwa atsikana osalemba mawu kumwetulira kaŵirikaŵiri.” Zinali nkhanza basi. Ndipo inu mukudziwa chiyani? Cinderella anali fano langa,” akutero mkazi wina.

Kafukufuku akusonyeza kuti kusalingana kwa makolo kumakhudza kwambiri ana ngati ali amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Podium

Amayi amene amaona mwana wawo monga wodziwonjezera yekha ndi umboni woti ali woyenerera amakonda ana amene amawathandiza kuoneka bwino—makamaka pamaso pa anthu akunja.

Nkhani yodziwika bwino ndi mayi yemwe akuyesera kudzera mwa mwana wake kuti akwaniritse zokhumba zake zomwe sizinakwaniritsidwe, makamaka zopanga. Ojambula otchuka monga Judy Garland, Brooke Shields ndi ena ambiri akhoza kutchulidwa ngati chitsanzo cha ana otere. Koma «trophy ana» si kugwirizana ndi dziko lachiwonetsero malonda; zofanana zingapezeke m'mabanja wamba kwambiri.

Nthawi zina mayi mwiniwake sazindikira kuti amachitira ana mosiyana. Koma «poyambira ulemu kwa opambana» m'banja analengedwa momasuka ndi mozindikira, nthawi zina ngakhale kutembenukira mwambo. Ana m'mabanja otero - mosasamala kanthu kuti anali "mwayi" kuti akhale "mwana wamtengo wapatali" - kuyambira ali aang'ono amamvetsetsa kuti amayi alibe chidwi ndi umunthu wawo, zomwe apindula komanso kuwala komwe amamuwonetsera ndizofunika kwambiri. iye.

Pamene chikondi ndi chivomerezo m’banja ziyenera kupambanidwa, sizimangosonkhezera mikangano pakati pa ana, komanso zimakulitsa muyezo umene ziŵalo zonse zabanja zimaweruzidwa nazo. Malingaliro ndi zokumana nazo za "opambana" ndi "otayika" sizisangalatsa aliyense, koma zimakhala zovuta kuti "mwana wopambana" azindikire izi kusiyana ndi omwe adakhala "mbuzi yopulumukira".

"Ndinali m'gulu la" ana opambana "mpaka ndidazindikira kuti nditha kusankha ndekha zochita. Amayi mwina ankandikonda kapena kundikwiyira, koma makamaka ankandisilira chifukwa cha phindu lake - chifukwa cha fano, "chovala pawindo", kuti alandire chikondi ndi chisamaliro chomwe iye mwini sanachipeze ali mwana.

Atasiya kukumbatirana ndi kupsompsona ndi chikondi kuchokera kwa ine zomwe amafunikira - nditangokula, ndipo sanathe kukula - ndipo nditayamba kudzipangira ndekha momwe ndingakhalire, mwadzidzidzi ndinakhala munthu woipitsitsa kwambiri padziko lapansi. za iye.

Ndinali ndi chisankho: kukhala wodziimira payekha ndikunena zomwe ndikuganiza, kapena kumumvera mwakachetechete, ndi zofuna zake zonse zopanda thanzi komanso khalidwe losayenera. Ndinasankha woyamba, sindinazengereze kumudzudzula poyera ndikukhalabe woona kwa ine ndekha. Ndipo ndine wokondwa kwambiri kuposa momwe ndingakhalire ngati "mwana wakhanda".

mayendedwe apabanja

Tangoganizani kuti mayi ndi Dzuwa, ndipo anawo ndi mapulaneti omwe amamuzungulira ndipo amayesa kupeza gawo lawo lachikondi ndi chisamaliro. Kuti achite izi, nthawi zonse amachita zinthu zomwe zingamuwonetse bwino, ndikuyesera kumukondweretsa m'zonse.

"Mukudziwa zomwe akunena: "ngati amayi sasangalala, palibe amene angasangalale"? Umu ndi mmene banja lathu linalili. Ndipo sindinazindikire kuti sizinali zachilendo mpaka nditakula. Sindinali fano la banja, ngakhale kuti sindinali "mbuzi yopulumukirako". "Chikho" anali mlongo wanga, ine ndi amene sananyalanyazidwe, ndipo mchimwene wanga ankawoneka ngati wotayika.

Tinapatsidwa maudindo oterowo ndipo, kwakukulukulu, ubwana wathu wonse tinkagwirizana nawo. Mchimwene wanga anathawa, anamaliza maphunziro awo ku koleji pamene ankagwira ntchito, ndipo tsopano ndine ndekha amene amalankhula naye. Mlongo wanga amakhala misewu iwiri kutali ndi amayi ake, sindimalankhula nawo. Mchimwene wanga ndi ine takhazikika bwino, osangalala ndi moyo. Onse ali ndi mabanja abwino ndipo amalankhulana.”

Ngakhale m'mabanja ambiri udindo wa «chikhodzo mwana» ndi wokhazikika, ena akhoza nthawi zonse kuloza. Nayi nkhani ya mayi yemwe moyo wake wofananawo unapitilira ubwana wake ndipo ukupitilirabe ngakhale tsopano, pamene makolo ake salinso ndi moyo:

"Malo a" mwana wopambana" m'banja mwathu adasintha nthawi zonse kutengera ndi ndani wa ife omwe adachita momwemo, m'malingaliro a amayi, ana ena awiriwo ayeneranso kuchita. Aliyense anakwiyira mnzake, ndipo zaka zambiri pambuyo pake, atakula, mkangano wokulirakulira umenewu unayamba pamene amayi athu anadwala, anafunikira chisamaliro, ndiyeno anamwalira.

Mkanganowo unayambiranso pamene bambo athu anadwala n’kumwalira. Ndipo mpaka pano, kukambitsirana kulikonse kwa misonkhano yabanja yomwe ikubwera sikutha popanda chiwonetsero.

Amayi nawonso anali m'modzi mwa alongo anayi - onse oyandikira zaka - ndipo kuyambira ali aang'ono adaphunzira kuchita "zolondola". Mchimwene wanga anali mwana wake yekhayo, analibe achimwene ali mwana. Mitsuko yake ndi mawu ake onyoza adanyozedwa, chifukwa "iye sali woyipa." Atazunguliridwa ndi atsikana awiri, iye anali "mwana wa ziwonetsero".

Ndikuganiza kuti ankadziwa kuti udindo wawo m’banjamo unali wapamwamba kuposa wathu, ngakhale ankakhulupirira kuti mayi anga ankandikonda kwambiri. Onse awiri m’bale ndi mlongo amamvetsa kuti malo athu pa “choyambira chaulemu” akusintha nthawi zonse. Chifukwa cha zimenezi, nthawi zonse takhala tikukayikakayika ngati tikukhala m’njira yoyenera.

M'mabanja otere, aliyense amakhala tcheru nthawi zonse ndipo amangoyang'ana, ngati kuti "sanadutsa" mwanjira ina. Kwa anthu ambiri, izi ndizovuta komanso zotopetsa.

Nthawi zina kusinthika kwa ubale m'banja lotere sikumangokhalira kusankhidwa kwa mwana kuti akhale "chiwonetsero", makolo nawonso amayamba kuchita manyazi kapena kunyozetsa kudzidalira kwa mchimwene wake kapena mlongo wake. Ana otsalawo kaŵirikaŵiri amaloŵerera m’zopezerera, kuyesera kuti apeze chiyanjo cha makolo awo.

“M’banja mwathu ndiponso m’gulu la achibale ambiri, mlongo wanga ankaonedwa kuti ndi wangwiro, choncho pamene chinachake sichinkayenda bwino ndipo n’kofunika kupeza wolakwayo, nthawi zonse ndinkakhala ine. Mchemwali wanga atasiya chitseko chakumbuyo cha nyumbayo chili chotsegula, mphaka wathu anathawa, ndipo anandiimba mlandu pa chilichonse. Mlongo wanga nayenso anachita nawo zimenezi, nthaŵi zonse ankanama, akumandineneza. Ndipo anapitiriza kuchita chimodzimodzi pamene tinakula. Malingaliro anga, kwa zaka 40, amayi anga sanalankhulepo kalikonse kwa mlongo wawo. Ndipo bwanji, pamene pali ine? Kapena kani, anali—mpaka anathetsa maubale onse ndi onse aŵiriwo.

Mawu enanso ochepa okhudza opambana ndi olephera

Ndikuphunzira nkhani za owerenga, ndinawona kuti ndi amayi angati omwe sanakondedwe muubwana ndipo ngakhale kupanga "scapegoats" adanena kuti tsopano akukondwera kuti sanali "zikho". Sindine katswiri wa zamaganizo kapena psychotherapist, koma kwa zaka zoposa 15 ndakhala ndikumalankhulana pafupipafupi ndi amayi omwe sankakondedwa ndi amayi awo, ndipo izi zinkawoneka ngati zodabwitsa kwa ine.

Azimayiwa sanayese konse kupeputsa zochitika zawo kapena kuchepetsa ululu umene anakumana nawo monga wotayika m'banja lawo - m'malo mwake, adatsindika izi mwa njira iliyonse - ndipo adavomereza kuti ambiri anali ndi ubwana woipa. Koma - ndipo izi ndizofunikira - ambiri adawona kuti abale ndi alongo awo, omwe adakhala ngati "zikho", sanathe kuchoka ku machitidwe osayenera a maubwenzi a m'banja, koma iwo eni adakwanitsa - chifukwa adayenera kutero.

Pakhala pali nkhani zambiri za "asungwana aakazi" omwe asanduka makope a amayi awo - akazi omwewo omwe amangokhalira kulamulira mwa kugawa ndi kugonjetsa njira. Ndipo panali nkhani za ana amene anayamikiridwa ndi kutetezedwa —anayenera kukhala angwiro—kuti ngakhale patapita zaka 45 anapitirizabe kukhala m’nyumba ya makolo awo.

Ena ananena kuti khalidwe loipali la unansi woipali linatengera kwa mbadwo wotsatira, ndipo linapitirizabe kusonkhezera adzukulu a amayi amene anazoloŵera kuona ana monga zikho.

Kumbali ina, ndinamva nkhani zambiri za ana aakazi omwe anatha kusankha kuti asakhale chete, koma kuteteza zofuna zawo. Ena asiya kuyanjana ndi mabanja awo, ena amalumikizanabe, koma samazengereza kuloza mwachindunji kwa makolo awo za khalidwe lawo losayenera.

Ena adasankha kukhala "dzuwa" iwo eni ndikupereka kutentha kwa "mapulaneti" ena. Anagwira ntchito mwakhama kuti amvetse bwino ndikuzindikira zomwe zidawachitikira ali mwana, ndipo adamanga moyo wawo - ndi abwenzi awo ndi mabanja awo. Izi sizikutanthauza kuti alibe mabala auzimu, koma onse ali ndi chinthu chimodzi chofanana: kwa iwo ndikofunikira kwambiri osati zomwe munthu amachita, koma zomwe ali.

Ndimachitcha kupita patsogolo.